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| Aug 12, 2005 11:29 am |
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re: How Do YOu Get What YOu Want From a Man (or Woman) or other loved one |
Carla Sanders
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Hi Everyone,
I am back from 9 days off line, and happy to see what I have missed here.
The question is how do I get what I want... and it seems to be mixed up with how can I persuade someone to change in a way that I believe is better for them (and me.) Two different questions maybe?
First question: The only way I could get what I wanted from my husband was to somehow let it be his idea. I discovered this the hard way and not without damaging resentment. I mean, why was something a dumb idea when I thought of it, and a good idea when he thought of it?
Apparently some (or most/all?) men have some hardwiring about coming up with ideas and solutions themselves, and that is fine. I just didn't have any training in supporting and appreciating this tendency in a man when I was younger. (Though please don't prune the forsythia bush the week before it blooms! I can't support that idea!)
Speaking of appreciation, I'd say showing appreciation and focusing on the good stuff is the way I'll do it next time. And what that means for him, well, I'll find out after I meet him!
Oh, and this is important. It would have helped if I had known more about what I wanted. Then he may have tried harder to please me cause he knew how. The guessing game was hard for both of us. I knew the dinner had to be hot and he liked spiked heels. Well, hot dinner I could do. I learned to make gravy better than his mother.
Now, in the matter of getting someone to "change", forget it. It isn't going to happen. They have to decide. I never used any of the ultimata Sandra suggested in the other thread because it became clear to me that he loved cigarets more than he loved me, and he would have chosen to keep smoking. In a way, he did choose that. (is that considered "cheating" ala the Cheating thread?)
That is why when I meet someone and as I get to know them I am mentally listing the ways I would want them to change, I just move them to the friend column.
There is a situation coming up with my mother, and also my adult son, where there are health issues, and I am certain that a lot can be helped by diet changes and other wholistic therapies. When it was me and my beliefs vs her and her beliefs, we locked horns and I backed down (I was a guest in her home). Now that some acute health things are developing, I wonder how I can open the door to some therapeutic food changes, for example.
With my son, I have had success leaving a book I wanted him to read on the dining table. He can't resist picking up a book to read. If he likes it, he takes it with him. Great!
Good to be back,
Carla
Private Reply to Carla Sanders (new win) |
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