|
|  |
|
|
|
| |
| Dec 07, 2005 6:28 pm |
|
re: re: New to network |
Eula DeMasi
| |
Hi JJ,
Its nice to meet you. Thanks for your response, and I don't think you were on your soapbox at all. You're right, and its nice to know that there are men out there that do get it. When I try talking to my mom or friends all I hear is "Thats how men are." I KNOW that is untrue.
I'd like to start by saying that one thing I've never done in my life is give up on anything. This comes after beating my head against a brick wall for over 2 years. After our son was born, and our family dynamic began to change it became evident that my husband puts more energy into fabricating an image for others than into actually living the image. I discovered recently that he has portrayed me to his coworkers and friends as a relentless, demanding, bossy, and lazy housewife. They think I'm waiting every night when he gets home with a huge Honey-do list. Which brings me to an example of communication with him...
This weekend I told him that I was thinking of leaving. That I was tired of battling to get him to help or even acknowledge the needs of our family. He started talking about money. Why did he immediately conclude that I was leaving because of money??? Was it because thats what most of the divorce statistics say, so he just assumed? We never fight about money, there's nothing to fight about...I don't care about it. Pay the bills, take care of our basic needs and I'm happy. I've learned to manage the checkbook very well to keep our family going, so that is so not an issue.
Then he told me I put too much pressure on him to help out. So I asked him to list everything I ask him to do. The list was: give our son his bath and put him to bed; clean the kitchen floor, and put out the garbage; occasionally do the laundry on the weekend if I've fallen behind on it. When I pressed him to continue with his list he discovered that he'd been lying to himself and everyone else all this time. He also discovered that more of his time is spent watching tv than on anything else. My last question to him was "why?" He didn't want to continue the conversation and has tried to avoid being alone with me so that we can't continue. I read the ongoing post about why men lie after my original post. I would love to have him sit down and read that thread. Maybe it will help him discover why he's been lying so much to himself and others that he's convinced himself of his own lies.
Another major issue is that I can't depend on him. I'm attempting to build 2 businesses. I say 'attempting', because whenever I get things moving nicely I have to slow down or come to a screaching halt because something happens with my son while I'm out doing a party. I love doing home parties which is why I started with The Body Shop. But when a trend of mishaps develops I stop. I've come home to too many incedents that now I really don't feel comfortable leaving my son alone with my husband. Most recently I came home to find my son laying in the middle of the floor screaming because he was hungry. It as after 10 at night and my husband hadn't given him a meal all afternoon or evening other than a few snacks. Something is seriously wrong, if he can let that happen.
Anyway, I learned early on that I can only have a serious discussion with him if we are alone somewhere away from the tv. Shortly after the newness of dating wore off I noticed that whenever we were somewhere within range of a tv it drew his attention. And I would never start a conversation during a game... I might miss a big play! So our discussions do take place after James is in bed and we are in a room without tv. He doesn't hear what I say by choice. The only reason he heard me this time is because I started the conversation with "I'm moving out by summer."
Maybe we'll get snowed in this weekend and I can get him to talk some more. I don't want to leave if I don't have to, but I will do it for my son. He is very intuitive and he sees how his father is towards me and responds to it. I've tried explaining that to my husband but his position is that I'm the one poisoning my sons mind because he's with me all day.
So again I ask, how do you establish good communication with a brick wall??? I can't tell if he's being stubborn and obstinate, or dismissive, or maybe oblivious to avoid dealing. Is there something I'm not seeing?Private Reply to Eula DeMasi (new win) |
|
| |
|
