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| | The Love, Marriage, Relationships Network is not currently active and cannot accept new posts | | How Do YOu Get What YOu Want From a Man (or Woman) | Views: 465 | | Jul 29, 2005 8:00 pm | | How Do YOu Get What YOu Want From a Man (or Woman) | # | 
Sandra Harmon | | Well, everybody, we have had a raging discussion on another topic about how to get man to change. In this instance, we were talking about Sherry getting her husband to give up smoking and take care of his health especially with his prostate problem which affects many areas of their life, including his lack of sexual desire.
We have had suggestions about hitting him over the head with a frying pan, threatening to leave him, witholding sex, not cooking for him, etc. We have also had suggestions which included giving him good sex and then laying out her feelings. And then there is acceptance, rejection, negotiation and manipulation..
So lets hear from all of you, even if you are not presently in a relationship. If and when you have been at odds with your significant other, how do you get them to do what you want, especially if it is a matter of health. Or even if it isn't. And what do you do when they won't?
How do people in a successful relationship work these problems out to a happy conclusion. Or how have you screwed things up in the past?
I for one used to scream for what I wanted, like my mother, until I learned that it was exactly the wrong way to behave. It took me a long time to learn good communication skills and use them successfully.
I believe that you cant change anyone. You can only change yourself in a way that changes what you permit yourself to accept or reject.
What do you think?
Sandra Harmon
www.sandraharmon.com
Private Reply to Sandra Harmon | | Jul 29, 2005 8:23 pm | | re: How Do YOu Get What YOu Want From a Man (or Woman) | # |
Susan Perkins | | WHOA! This is a biggy!
Answer: Simple - Communicate; Communicate; Communicate; and then Communicate again!
Avoid "You" messages - instead - use your "I" messages -
Although I'm not in a relationship - haven't been for many years - I see that all relationships thrive with good communication skills - telling others how we feel, what we would like, what we can do for them to help them with their needs, and then develop a way between all parties to get it done, if you will.
If it happens that I may come across that someone special - before I ever enter a more serious relationship - I will be open (with gentleness) and express what I would like from the bonding - and make sure what their expectations are to assure I can meet them - before anything ever transpires...
Now for you guys in a relationship already - Tweak your communication skills - never manipulate - never scream - never "withold" anything good with the view to "getting" something for yourself....never works.
Great stuff Sandra! - Now I NEED to close out my month!
Warmest, Susan The DC Connector
Private Reply to Susan Perkins | | Jul 29, 2005 9:14 pm | | Susan: re: How Do YOu Get What YOu Want From a Man (or Woman) | # | 
Joe Severa | | Hi Susan, I for one, would wish that you NEVER close your mouth! You have as much (or more) common sense as I'm told that I have (you did tell me something like that, right? Yes, I'm ROFL!)
I'll never understand how a sweetheart like you is so unattached, seriously. Just the sound of your voice over my phone is exciting to listen to, would I lie? If ever my wife throws me out, 'er, 'er I'd ask you out the next time we found ourselves in the same neck of woods. My wife can read anything I write or receive, we have a very democratic houshold, & both of our kids think that we're real cool. She hasn't bothered to read any Ryze stuff in weeks, so my helmet & body armor is in the ready.
We love having your thoughts & ideas Susan, pls don't be shy, no matter how well intentioned a guy like me wants to come across as, I'm at a slight disadvantage with some women who think that all guys are all alike, that's life!
I just love yah Susan,
Joe
http://www.myganoexcel.biz/mannasage Private Reply to Joe Severa | | Jul 30, 2005 6:50 pm | | re: How Do YOu Get What YOu Want From a Man (or Woman) | # | 
Danielle Bailey | | Hi all - I'm new to this network (thanks Sandra!) so please forgive me if I overstep.
My husband and I have been together for 14 years. We have 2 children and one who'll be here any day now (praying for sooner rather than later though!) and we've been through darned near everything.
I have, in my life, been in love several times - but this is the first relationship where I felt truly loved in return - so boy does he ever get everything I've got to give. I brag about him all the time :)
I think, in regards to this situation, that there is no way to change a man. Men don't want to be changed. They're pretty independent for the most part. It's very difficult to tell a man that they need to make a change because - and this isn't meant to be offensive - but most men, if they don't come up with the idea themselves - feel that someone is trying to say they're smarter than him and that just isn't going to happen - he's going to prove he's master of his domain. I'm trying to think if I've ever met a man who didn't react this way and it may just be because of where I live but no, I honestly haven't. Men want to be - for the most part - their own boss. Which is fine - it's the way they're wired.
So, rather than trying to change the man - no matter who he may be - it's usually better to give them the tools and very subtle suggestions and let them achieve the change on their own. Then he's done the work, he's made the accomplishment, and it's something that he owns and he's done.
When our first child was on the way my husband was a fairly heavy smoker. I never said "Don, you have to quit smoking" or whatever or gave him any reasons to. I had pamphlets about SIDS and smoking's affects on babies and second hand lung cancer and things like that and put them around the house - oh, and sat snuggled against him on the couch reading them. Whenever he'd light up in the house, I'd go to our bedroom and close the door then come out later and spray the house like crazy with some sickening floral air freshener (I hated it, but knew he hated it too). If he smoked in the truck I'd cough my head off or put a hankie over my mouth and nose.
To be honest, I never *noticed* when he quit. For a couple of weeks he just went outside to smoke. Then he just stopped. Later on I noticed, but by then he'd quit for almost a month. It's been a little over 9 years now since he quit. (Our eldest son was 9 yesterday).
I learned from my mom (and from some new mom groups I was online in and from other people, but mainly my mom) that nagging does you no good at all. It just doesn't work. It causes resentment and anger and problems.
My husband laughed at me most of the time, but got the point and let me know he did. I know he quit for me and the baby, but he did it on his own.
I don't know if this approach will work for other people. My husband is generally overprotective of me anyway and is an incredible father - so he's got certain predispositions to respond to my form of gentle nudging that perhaps other men wouldn't respond to. I think it comes down to knowing the man you love well enough to know what will make him *want* to do something rather than want to dig in his heels to spite you and prove he's the boss. Let him be the boss if he wants - but every boss also needs to know how to read the market and be successful too :)
Best wishes,
Danielle
Private Reply to Danielle Bailey | | Jul 30, 2005 7:04 pm | | re: re: How Do YOu Get What YOu Want From a Man (or Woman) | # |
Sandra Harmon | |
Bravo, Danielle. What great advice. No wonder you have such a caring husband and successful marriage. Please let us know when you deliver.
Sandy Harmon Private Reply to Sandra Harmon | | Jul 31, 2005 12:29 am | | Dani re: How Do YOu Get What YOu Want From a Man (or Woman) | # |
Joe Severa | | Nicely done Danielle, you dah woman! Several love affairs you say, that makes you more of a romantic lover than Moi, congrats!
Our new member, Sherry has a much tougher job as you can read yourself, but I'm praying for her t/b vindicated, she's a great Mom & wife, & she deserves better from her hubby.
Nice seeing you here, has the final countdown begun?
Joe
http://www.myganoexcel.biz/mannasagePrivate Reply to Joe Severa | | Jul 31, 2005 5:45 am | | re: Susan: re: How Do YOu Get What YOu Want From a Man (or Woman) | # | 
Dean H. | | Joe,
If you want to make a pass at Susan, you'll have to get through me first :). I had dinner with her the other night and I'm very protective of my Susie P. She's a good person at heart :)
deanPrivate Reply to Dean H. | | Jul 31, 2005 5:28 pm | | re: re: Susan: re: How Do YOu Get What YOu Want From a Man (or Woman) | # | 
Marilyn Jenett | |
AHA, Dean,
I knew chivalry was one of your traits.
The next time I am tied to the railroad tracks, I'm calling YOU on my cell phone.
Marilyn
Your Time to Manifest Prosperity - Guaranteed
http://www.ryze.com/posttopic.php?topicid=522186&confid=481
Private Reply to Marilyn Jenett | | Jul 31, 2005 5:37 pm | | re: re: re: Susan: re: How Do YOu Get What YOu Want From a Man (or Woman) | # |
Danielle Bailey | | *grins* Dean seems to have a lot of those good traits - and this man is still single WHY?? :) A great sense of humor, civility, and country music ta boot :) Ok, maybe it's the yankee thing. Hmmmm... Sorry, I love to tease him :)
re: Sherry - Joe, I truly wasn't trying to compete with Sherry - just stating my own experience. I'm sorry if it seemed that way.
Best wishes,
Danielle
Private Reply to Danielle Bailey | | Jul 31, 2005 5:42 pm | | re: How Do YOu Get What YOu Want From a Man (or Woman) | # |
Marilyn Jenett | |
I had the pleasure of speaking with Sandra on the phone and told her a cute story that is in sync with her ideals about women leaving their "masculine" at the office and tapping more into their femininity in the relationship.
It's also rather in sync with this topic.
The man I lived with for many years had his own business in the entertainment industry. However, he also helped me with my business and was very supportive. He was stubborn and liked to have his way, and sometimes we had our "moments" for as you know, I'm not what you would call a passive type :-)
Well, I recall one day we had had an argument over something and that night he had fallen asleep and I went to the bedroom, leaned over and kissed him. I told him that I didn't want to argue. He said in his sleepy state, "Then don't be so bossy". I said, trying to be cute, "But I am the boss". And he came back with..."Just don't let me know it," and was off to dreamland.
Touche.
Marilyn
Your Time to Manifest Prosperity - Guaranteed
http://www.ryze.com/posttopic.php?topicid=522186&confid=481
Private Reply to Marilyn Jenett | | Jul 31, 2005 5:43 pm | | re: re: re: Susan: re: How Do YOu Get What YOu Want From a Man (or Woman) | # |
Dean H. | | Put me on speed dial, if you must. We wouldn't want your numerous students to be without a mentor.
But let's try to make sure you don't end up in that situation to begin with. I'd hate to dissapoint you and the millions of fans of your work ;)Private Reply to Dean H. | | Jul 31, 2005 5:56 pm | | re: re: re: re: Susan: re: How Do YOu Get What YOu Want From a Man (or Woman) | # |
Marilyn Jenett | |
And cute! Have you seen Dean's legs?
:-)Private Reply to Marilyn Jenett | | Jul 31, 2005 5:58 pm | | re: re: re: re: Susan: re: How Do YOu Get What YOu Want From a Man (or Woman) | # |
Dean H. | | Danielle said;
>>>*grins* Dean seems to have a lot of those good traits - and this man is still single WHY?? :) A great sense of humor, civility, and country music ta boot :) Ok, maybe it's the yankee thing. Hmmmm... Sorry, I love to tease him :)
Apparently, everyone likes to mess with Dean nowadays :)
Actually, THIS MAN is married......to his business. But he's always looking for a mistress. [It's funnier when I say it in person because people always get a laugh from it]
AD: Single metrosexual asian male seeks female partner. Must love er put up with listening to country music. Should be able to put with sarcastic & self deprecating sense of humor and, enjoy travel. Likes to take long walks on the beach, and enjoy having fun and serious conversations at the same time.
This isn't too hard to ask for right?
Private Reply to Dean H. | | Jul 31, 2005 6:01 pm | | re: re: re: re: Susan: re: How Do YOu Get What YOu Want From a Man (or Woman) | # |
Sandra Harmon | |
Dean is single? Wow? Who would have thought that a smart, cute, helpful and decent man like Dean would be available?
Any other single guys out there? Not that this is a dating service or anything, but you never can tell. We have quite a few lovely, smart, feminine and dynamic women here on Ryze. I know. I have been meeting quite a few of them lately.
Sandy Harmon Private Reply to Sandra Harmon | | Jul 31, 2005 6:10 pm | | re: re: Susan: re: How Do YOu Get What YOu Want From a Man (or Woman) | # |
Danielle Bailey | | Metrosexual?? I've gotta go wiki that. Nope, I've never seen his legs (ok, other than his Ryze page photo) but yes, he's definitely cute. I'm happily married though (to a person - a business wouldn't mind - but the person might!) so that's where I'll end my commentary :) Now that I've harassed Dean enough, I suppose I should go get some work done. *grin*
Danielle
Private Reply to Danielle Bailey | | Jul 31, 2005 6:43 pm | | re: Susan: re: How Do YOu Get What YOu Want From a Man (or Woman) | # |
Susan Perkins | | Whatever have I been missing?? Getting ready to head out - but had to say something -
Firstly, Joe - thank you for your kind sentiments! It was great to talk with you via the phone as well! I can tell you are a REAL man with a sentimental, romantic heart!!
How do I remain "unattached"? Well, it is a funny thing - sort of..
I'm finding myself between a Catch22, if you will...
While I appreciate Deans protection of me (Yes, he does have nice legs - only seen them in his pic here on Ryze however :-))...
The only "protection" I need is when men ask me if I have a significant other and I tell them bluntly, "I don't date and I live a Celibate life!" It is like watching the Parting of the Red Sea before my very eyes!! I just walk away laughing...so many shallow men out there...too, too afraid to take on this "project" that could perhaps lead to a "committment" since it is more than obvious at this point that I do not date just for fun! Which would mean if I were open enough to "date" someone,,,,My intentions would be for the long-haul if it worked out. Does that make sense?
Guys, I did meet someone who I found I have an attraction - but the "parting of the red sea" syndrome is occuring...and location is a consideration...and it looks to be too complicated to begin anyway....alas....here I remain...swimming...alone...
Danielle: I cried when I read your post! This is really the hardest thing to find - a man that will love you back as much as you love them! I'm an affectionate thing and thrive on hugs - give my dear business associates and friends warm hugs - guys just seem to show "affection" when...
Will SAndra: What do you think about that one? Men typically give affection to get sex? Can men show affection to simply express their emotions and care of someone? Separate the two?
Marilyn - I'm right with ya - Dean has much chivalry and we are very good friends and business networking pals! And,,,I know the council I'm going to receive from you regarding my blanket statement to that common question...I'm ready....
But "MetroSexual"? I'm lost here as well?
Out the door...boy, am I missing some great Ryze stuff the month of July!
warmest, Susan
Private Reply to Susan Perkins | | Jul 31, 2005 7:13 pm | | re: re: Susan: re: How Do YOu Get What YOu Want From a Man (or Woman) | # |
Danielle Bailey | | RE: Danielle: I cried when I read your post! This is really the hardest thing to find - a man that will love you back as much as you love them! I'm an affectionate thing and thrive on hugs - give my dear business associates and friends warm hugs - guys just seem to show "affection" when...
Ah, I'm a huge hugger too. I'm probably overly affectionate - which may be why I've been in love but never felt loved till Don. I can never understand why someone will say they love you but then don't want to hold hands or whatever. We hold hands in the car, sitting on the couch watching tv, whatever. When we go grocery shopping together if I'm pushing the buggy he'll have his hand on my back or something or if we're standing in the kitchen he'll wrap his arms around me and stand behind me.
A friend of mine, who was recently trying (but didn't I'm afraid) to save her marriage from divorce got a book called the languages of love or something similar. I'll have to go look it up. Anyhoo, in the book it says that most people feel love or give love in one of five ways - one was physical affection (they love to hug), etc. Here - just for you guys I went to look it up.
*Words of Affirmation. An unsolicited compliment, a kind word, and words of encouragement are very powerful. Mark Twain once said “I can live for two months on a good compliment.”
*Quality Time. This means togetherness and personal connection, not just being physically nearby. Learn to have a quality conversation, really listening to each other. Take time to have fun together. Do things you each enjoy; explore new activities together.
*Receiving Gifts. The message here is that the gift giver was thinking of you and wanted to let you know. Expense is not the main thing – it’s the meaning. A favorite treat picked up on the way home or a card for no reason sends a priceless message.
*Acts of Service. Cooking, washing the car, laundry can be acts of love. Challenge the stereotypes. Doing something that is helpful to your loved one will be noticed, if it is their language of love.
*Physical Touch. A hug, a kiss, holding hands, and sexual intercourse are all ways of communicating love. Research indicates that positive physical contact is important to emotional health; some say you need four hugs a day.
Anyway, we sortof figured out that Don and I both show love through service and affection. He and I both love doing little things for each other and hugging/holding hands. Not everyone shows love that way or feels comfy with it. You may have a mate who isn't a hand holder, and that's fine, but by going to work every day and making sure the bills are paid and your car's tires are the right inflation, they're showing an amazing amount of love. But some people have a hard time recognizing that as love or undervalue it because it's not how THEY show or feel love.
Anyway, I haven't read the book itself, but it really seemed to make a lot of sense. If you find out how your mate shows/feels love the best, it helps with communication on both ends and once you recognize that maybe paying bills is your mates way of saying "You're mine and I want to protect you because I love you" then you'll see and feel a different sort of hug :)
Anyway - I didnt mean to ramble on so, but I thought this might be helpful if anyone isn't feeling as much love as they'd like. Maybe take the time to ask yourself - what makes me feel really really loved? What do I do to show that I really really love someone? What makes my mate really feel loved by me? Sometimes we may think that if we compliment our mate they'll know how much we love them but they really get melted over a new pack of underwear or even a drawer full of matched socks. (Don't ask) Ya just gotta take the time to find out :)
Oh - my point in writing this in response to Susan - I think that Don and I just sortof mesh on this whole thing - it wasn't something we ever had to work out - we were insanely lucky that way. But after hearing my friend talk about this book I think I understand why we mesh so well.
Best wishes,
Danielle
Private Reply to Danielle Bailey | | Aug 01, 2005 4:46 am | | Danille re: Susan: re: How Do YOu Get What YOu Want From a Man (or Woman) | # |
Joe Severa | | You two guys are on my Christmas Wish List, you both have CLASS, real femininity in communicating same, & if you guys ever heard Susan purring on the phone, you would have to think that Washington D.C.'s available men are brain dead, how could she be unattached still?
Dean, I'm married to both my Patricia & my businesses, which my wife is very jealous of, just ask her. I also love my family, my country & my church, which is Unity of Melbourne. I love w/o reservations, use that word more than most men that I know of. Why not, just read the above entries from the ladies who are loved, have been adored, even Marilyn gave us a hint of her vulnerability when being in love, she becomes soft, caring & unlike her usual demeanor that the public sees.
Dani is about to bring yet another darling into our world, & I will not openly flirt with her, even in jest. I just have too much respect for any woman performing the miracle of birth, something no man can pull off, ever!
I've been under a tremendous strain lately, my youngest grandson has a pre-cancerous toe, the tumor has changed colors & is now growing over his toenail, I could just spit!!! Then my son-in-law had his contract end, & although he gets offers, he's not about to return to Saudi Arabia, or any foreign nation like Nigeria, Venezuala, or another mid-east hellhole. That last Saudi deal was a wakeup call. He recognized two of the terrorists that broke into the Yanbu compound & began shooting only the Americans & had he not been in a back office at the time, he very well could've bought the farm right there.
So you see ladies, it soothes my nerves to discuss your love lives & to enjoy how you think & respond to being loved. Most men shield or hide their true feelings because they may have been raised that way by guess who, YES, their mothers ladies? As being the old fashioned romantic that I've always been, giving back true love seems as natural as breathing, & evidently our Susan appreciates those thoughts, I doubt that she thinks I'm coming on to her, do you Susan, ROFL?
'Nuff for tonight, my love goes to all of you ladies who are so open & revealing about what makes you tick, trust me, most men love being loved with a passion, although too many don't "get it," about what NOT to do afterwards. Post love (after the orgasms & such) cements the feeling that women crave, RESPECTFUL cooing, soothing words of appreciation, you know the touching by hugging & embracing her softly, but firmly. If a woman doesn't enjoy that, then maybe they don't "get it!"
Sweet dreams ladies,
Joe Private Reply to Joe Severa | | Aug 01, 2005 5:27 am | | re: re: How Do YOu Get What YOu Want From a Man (or Woman) | # | 
Chris Janssen | | Danielle-
You hit on a lot of good points in your posting (sorry for being a little behind here folks, I've actually been away from a computer for almost a week) What you have noticed in your husband in that he doesn't like to be changed and you have to approach things as his idea, is that fragile male EGO. Most women don't understand it, or even realize it exists. However, it is important for women to realize that it does exist, and it is perhaps the most fragile thing a male has. It's just like most precious gifts...you can use it for good or evil.
Take care,
Chris
Private Reply to Chris Janssen | | Aug 05, 2005 12:35 am | | re: re: re: How Do YOu Get What YOu Want From a Man (or Woman) | # | 
DeAnna Troupe, Video Marketing Specialist | | Well you know I can't pass up the opportunity to pick on Dean...
If I dated anything other than Black men, I'd definitely check you out, but I'm kinda addicted to 6 feet or tall men that are the complexion of Tyson Beckford....
Okay anyway, I've digressed a little bit...
I'm supposed to be publishing an ezine....
Bye.
DeAnnaPrivate Reply to DeAnna Troupe, Video Marketing Specialist | | Aug 05, 2005 3:50 am | | re: re: re: re: How Do YOu Get What YOu Want From a Man (or Woman) | # |
Dean H. | | DeAnna
Who says I'm not 6 feet tall? Ok, so I'm not Tyson Beckford, but will you go for Jet Li?
As Paris Hilton says, "Now that's hot."
:)Private Reply to Dean H. | | Aug 05, 2005 5:47 am | | re: How Do YOu Get What YOu Want From a Man (or Woman) | # |
Danielle Bailey | | Dean, you definitely have Paris Hilton on the mind a lot lately :) TiVo'ing those Hardees commercials again?? *grins*
Private Reply to Danielle Bailey | | Aug 06, 2005 3:16 am | | re: re: re: re: re: How Do YOu Get What YOu Want From a Man (or Woman) | # |
DeAnna Troupe, Video Marketing Specialist | | Dean: You crack me up. I couldn't tell how tall you were from your pic.
DeAnnaPrivate Reply to DeAnna Troupe, Video Marketing Specialist | | Aug 07, 2005 2:30 am | | re: re: re: re: re: re: How Do YOu Get What YOu Want From a Man (or Woman) | # |
Dean H. | | I'm tall, lightskin, and handsome. Is that enough?
Want more? Well, I like to takes walks on the beach. I enjoy deep meaningful conversations with that special someone. I consider myself lighthearted, but not lightminded.
As Danielle knows, I like listening to country music. But I enjoy R&B as well. DeAnna, how do you feel about a KC & JoJo concert?
:)Private Reply to Dean H. | | Aug 07, 2005 11:38 am | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: How Do YOu Get What YOu Want From a Man (or Woman) | # |
DeAnna Troupe, Video Marketing Specialist | | Only if it followed the Falcons game...
-DeAnna-Private Reply to DeAnna Troupe, Video Marketing Specialist | | Aug 09, 2005 8:29 pm | | re: Susan: re: How Do YOu Get What YOu Want From a Man (or Woman) | # |
Susan Perkins | | Hi "Relationshippers"!
I returned from a biz convention early Monday morning and have much to catch up on - I turned off Ryze forum automatic emails while gone and taking a quick peak around to see what I missed...
Danielle - I was SO excited to read this post - thank you, thank you for taking the time to type all this out!
You won't believe - I bought this very book, "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman about a year ago on the advice of a minister friend of mine - only read the first chapter and liked it - but didn't continue reading as I thought I would do so when I get to that point personally - still not there yet! :-) I believe this is written by a minister as well, so it has good sound principles of putting others first in relationships - which is good advice in ALL relationships.
I think physical touch & quality time would be my areas of having love expressed. Gift giving has never been important to me.
This is wonderful - I'm very happy for you in your relationship and love to hear of marriages that are working - this is a good benchmark for those in a relationship as well as those looking...and I'm sure will be passed along to your children to help reverse the divorce trend!
Keep up the GREAT work Danielle! Warmest, Susan Private Reply to Susan Perkins | | Aug 12, 2005 11:29 am | | re: How Do YOu Get What YOu Want From a Man (or Woman) or other loved one | # | 
Carla Sanders | | Hi Everyone,
I am back from 9 days off line, and happy to see what I have missed here.
The question is how do I get what I want... and it seems to be mixed up with how can I persuade someone to change in a way that I believe is better for them (and me.) Two different questions maybe?
First question: The only way I could get what I wanted from my husband was to somehow let it be his idea. I discovered this the hard way and not without damaging resentment. I mean, why was something a dumb idea when I thought of it, and a good idea when he thought of it?
Apparently some (or most/all?) men have some hardwiring about coming up with ideas and solutions themselves, and that is fine. I just didn't have any training in supporting and appreciating this tendency in a man when I was younger. (Though please don't prune the forsythia bush the week before it blooms! I can't support that idea!)
Speaking of appreciation, I'd say showing appreciation and focusing on the good stuff is the way I'll do it next time. And what that means for him, well, I'll find out after I meet him!
Oh, and this is important. It would have helped if I had known more about what I wanted. Then he may have tried harder to please me cause he knew how. The guessing game was hard for both of us. I knew the dinner had to be hot and he liked spiked heels. Well, hot dinner I could do. I learned to make gravy better than his mother.
Now, in the matter of getting someone to "change", forget it. It isn't going to happen. They have to decide. I never used any of the ultimata Sandra suggested in the other thread because it became clear to me that he loved cigarets more than he loved me, and he would have chosen to keep smoking. In a way, he did choose that. (is that considered "cheating" ala the Cheating thread?)
That is why when I meet someone and as I get to know them I am mentally listing the ways I would want them to change, I just move them to the friend column.
There is a situation coming up with my mother, and also my adult son, where there are health issues, and I am certain that a lot can be helped by diet changes and other wholistic therapies. When it was me and my beliefs vs her and her beliefs, we locked horns and I backed down (I was a guest in her home). Now that some acute health things are developing, I wonder how I can open the door to some therapeutic food changes, for example.
With my son, I have had success leaving a book I wanted him to read on the dining table. He can't resist picking up a book to read. If he likes it, he takes it with him. Great!
Good to be back,
Carla
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