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| | The Love, Marriage, Relationships Network is not currently active and cannot accept new posts | | Need resources on step-parenting | Views: 242 | | Aug 11, 2005 10:42 am | | Need resources on step-parenting | # | 
Ann Zuccardy - Vermont Shortbread Company | | Hi,
I am posting this on this network because part of being in a new marriage as a parent in one's 40s is dealing with exes and steps!
I'll omit the gory details because it's probably not appropriate here. However, I recently became a step-parent to 11 and 13 year old girls (my own child is an 11 year old girl) and I'm feeling challenged and stressed.
Let me start by saying something positive. My own relationship with my daughter's father has been easy. We've avoided the legal system and money and control battles. There is no money exchanging hands. I support myself and everything I have I've earned on my own steam. We share similar parenting values and share custody 50/50. Since we're friends, parenting decisions have always been easy for us. I am very lucky. So, I am totally unprepared for other kinds of divorce relationships and dealing with other people's kids.
I am wondering if anyone knows of a coach who deals with family issues, specifically step-parenting? Know any goood books? Any tips for preserving peace and keeping the boundaries clear in MY home?
AnnPrivate Reply to Ann Zuccardy - Vermont Shortbread Company | | Aug 11, 2005 2:46 pm | | re: Need resources on step-parenting | # | 
Sandra Harmon | | Hi Ann,
Sorry you are having difficulties. Step-parenting can be a land mine if one is not prepared.
If I may, I would like to recommend one of my own books, "Staying Married And Loving It" which can be purchased at my web site, www.sandraharmon.com. You can buy it in paperback, even used, which will cost you only a few dollars. In it I discuss how to blend two families with the least amount of difficulty and stress.
Also, I would be glad to offer you a FREE and private telephone consultation so you can decide whether you want to work with me.
I have successfully worked with many people on the issue of step-parenting, and feel certain I can help you. Do call or email me today so we can get started as soon as possible.
xxxxxx
Sandy Harmon
www.sandraharmon.com
Private Reply to Sandra Harmon | | Aug 11, 2005 3:46 pm | | Step-parenting tips | # |
Sandra Harmon | | Your primarily goal is to negotiate rights and privileges between you and your husband. If you and he are a good negotiating team, you can make up things likehouse rules, chorelist, curfews, grade point standards, etequette, dress codes etc.
The rule of thumb is, butt out unless bones are broken or blood is drawn. At the same time, listen attentively so that all the kids can speak up about anything. YOu can determine what is and what is not significant. It should be understandable and acceptable to you that kids snitch on one another as a way to jockey for priority. Dont put down a child for tattling. Act only on damage to people or property. All else, ignore.
Being a parent or role model step parent is an eighteen year commitment to be consistent.
There are lots of groups, seminars, workshops, churches, therapists and coaches, who, like me, are ready to assist you. Also check out "Parents Without Parents" if there is a group in your area.
xxxx
Sandy HarmonPrivate Reply to Sandra Harmon | | Aug 11, 2005 4:32 pm | | re: Step-parenting tips | # |
Ann Zuccardy - Vermont Shortbread Company | | Sandy,
Thanks for your kind offer! I will PM you with my e-mail address and look at the book on your site as well.
Do you have any statistics on divorce rates in second marriages? I would imagine they're higher than for first marriages. Dealing with exes, money and power struggles, mixed families, custody, scheduling...oy vay...I can see how challenging it could be if the marriage is not rock solid and full of loving communication.
I am beginning to realize that I can only model the values I believe in (the connection between work and money, clear boundaries, consequences and rewards, volunteerism, self-reliance) - I can't force them down his kids' or my own child's throat. By leading by quiet example, rather than by constantly whining about how hard it is to step parent: I am 1) not giving power in MY home to the ex and 2) living in integrity. And, really, this is all any parent can do.
I am loving your network!
AnnPrivate Reply to Ann Zuccardy - Vermont Shortbread Company | | Aug 19, 2005 11:13 am | | re: re: Step-parenting tips | # | 
Sue T. | | Ann,
I was a step parent to my daughters, Fathers two children. His ex was... how shall we say? Severly self absorbed money hungry and selfish. :) She intruded on every aspect of my life ... it was intolerable.
What I'm thinking is that you and hubby need to establish the rules of "your own home" together. To me, it's his responsibility to place them in effect with his ex-wife. If that doesn't work, you can call her, as I did with this other woman and have a woman to woman talk. Providing you're dealing with a rational individual who you can talk to and come to a resolution.
One key thing, for myself, that I learned was... not to get mad "for" your husband about what the ex is pulling. Not to say that anyone should be angry yet in the same breath, what will happen, and I'm not 100% sure why this is, he will defend her or sometimes resort to silence to keep the peace. Let him get upset or bothered by it. Really you have no control over any other place than your own home...
For myself, I want someone who follows my lead with my daughter. If they happen to see something that they would not do themselves, I want any discussions about that to be done privately. A child will pit one parent against another. I've seen it and they are very skillful at it. The two of you would be better served showing a united front in front of both your daughter and his kids as well.
Kids are "great" manipulators. I remember when Heathers dad told his other two children that I was leaving, and taking the dog and my cats with me... they didn't show sadness right away... know what they did?
They asked for a dog and a cat now that Sue was going to be gone.... Children are very cunning in divorce situations...All of the adults have to be on the same page. If that is impossible, to me then the guidelines in your own home have to be clear and have to be stuck to...
This is all suggestions, and each situation is different. Thoughts for early morning...
Sue T.
p.s. Also, sometimes the children have this dream in their minds that they're parents will get back together and when one parent remarries and then the other... that dream gets shattered. Even if they didn't talk about it.
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