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| | The Love, Marriage, Relationships Network is not currently active and cannot accept new posts | | Should this woman let her husband return to their home? | Views: 366 | | Aug 26, 2005 1:48 am | | Should this woman let her husband return to their home? | # | 
Sandra Harmon | | Yesterday I spent an hour on a television show taking questions from callers who had love problems.
One woman called from I think it was Iran. She said she was fourteen when she married, and had been married for fourteen years. She has four children
She said she always thought her husband was faitful and loving but a few years ago she learned he had been cheating with many women, for years. She also learned that he was a big gambler and gambled away all their money, including their house. Then he had a fight when he was drinking and gambling and almost killed another man. He went to prison for 2 and a half years.
Now he is about to come out and he is begging her to let him come back. He says he is a changed man and he wont cheat or gamble again. She wants to believe him because she has no money, and no family support system, and must support and protect her four children. She wants to believe him because he is the only man she has ever known and she says he is a good father. However, he lied about everything in the past.
While he has been in prison, men have approached her but she says that in her culture, if she accepts any attention from another man while she is married, she will be viewed as a terrible woman and shunned.
She also said that while she was with her husband, he made her feel as if she was ugly and worthless but she says other people now tell her she is pretty and has value.
She wants to believe him, because in the past, she always believed him, but he never did tell the truth. She is racked with indecision. Should she or shouldnt she?
So what do you think she should do? What advice would you have given her?.
Sandy Harmon
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Private Reply to Sandra Harmon | | Aug 26, 2005 4:17 am | | re: Should this woman let her husband return to their home? | # |
Susan Perkins | | This woman is only 28 years old with 4 children and her husband has been away for 2 1/2 years? How could she be in Irag and not have a family support system? Surely her family arranged this wedding? didn't he have to pay something for her?
I would be asking her alot of questions - her story as a whole is probably true - but I think there is a little embellishing going on...I think it is a little bit of a HLS (hard luck story).
If she has no money, how has she been able to afford taking care of her 4 children these years?
Could she not get a legal divorce with him being in prison so long?
Jeezzz, I just have a whole lot of questions I would ask - without giving her any advice - except she needs to tap into who and how she has been able to live for the last 2 1/2 years....
What did you say? Is this story to have a Part 2 on your show?
WArmest, Susan Private Reply to Susan Perkins | | Aug 26, 2005 10:17 am | | re: re: Should this woman let her husband return to their home? | # |
Sandra Harmon | | Susan,
I dont know why you choose to find this woman not to be totally credible. To me, she seemed sincere and in real turmoil. She wanted help and advice. Plus, l. The caller was from Iran and not Iraq, 2. They do not pay for wives there, 3. Not everyone has a family, no matter where they live, 4. He left her with nothing; She works at a low paying job and also raises her children, 5. Yes, she could have gotten a divorce, but she did not. That is the point of her anquish...He is her husband. She is his wife. He is the father of her children.
Should she take him back? Private Reply to Sandra Harmon | | Aug 26, 2005 11:13 am | | re: re: re: Should this woman let her husband return to their home? | # | 
Marilyn Jenett | |
He is the father of her children?
I am sorry but based on the given facts, this man is not a father or husband.
He is a sperm donor.
In fact, I am suspicious of her comment that he is a "good father".
I believe she has options in her country. My opinion is that she should find strength within herself, learn to value herself as a woman and as a person and realize that support does not come from man, support comes from the "invisible means of support" - whatever you believe that higher power to be. If she will free herself from attachment from him, she can find support from legitimate channels, cultivate love and caring relationships, perhaps even remarry.
Before letting him "come back", I would advise her to move very carefully. If this man has changed, let him prove himself first before she makes any commitment. Let's see what he does on his own to work and support his children from a distance, and how he treats her.
For her children's sake as well as her own, I would absolutely discourage her from letting him come back at this time. I am sure he is looking for the comforts of home and is capable of promising and manipulating as he has done in the past. He has a lot of proving to do.
My gut feeling is that she should create a new life for her family without him. Gut feeling.
My views.
MarilynPrivate Reply to Marilyn Jenett | | Aug 26, 2005 11:29 am | | re: re: re: re: Should this woman let her husband return to their home? | # |
Sandra Harmon | | Marilyn,
I feel almost exactly the way you do and my advice was much the same. I told her to continue to find her inner strength and grow as a person, and under no circumstances to let him back in the house.
I know in my gut he isnt about to change. He just wants a soft place to land and will say anything to this woman he has been lying to for years. He is counting on her vulnerability and he is very good at manipulating her.
I told her that if she wasnt willing to divorce him, (which she isn't) and wanted to prove the truth of who he is to herself, than when he gets out of prison, he should move to a nearby apartment, and visit the children as if they were having a trial separation, which it would be. I told her that the separation must be for at least a year. During that time she needs to maintain her lifestyle, while seeing who he is from a distance and if he lives up to his word. Will he get a job, support the children, stop gambling, cheating, whatever? During that year, she must watch him carefully, and he must do what is necessary to regain her trust. At the end of the year, hopefully, she will be able to see who he really is, makea clear decision and either give him another chance, or get rid of the bum!
Sandy Harmon
Private Reply to Sandra Harmon | | Aug 26, 2005 5:10 pm | | re: Should this woman let her husband return to their home? | # |
Susan Perkins | | Hi again Sandra -
I do find her story completely credible - my only point is that many of us in the "pitty mode" no matter how warranted - will naturally keep adding to the list of abuse - it is true - yes - but take a listen to how they express it - how they keep running on about this and that and no matter what advice you give...it isn't good enough and it will never work out...
We are what we talk about....right, Marilyn?
How many can snap out of it - Start growing as a person? A very small percentage will have the strength and strong WILL to do so! We hear many stories of how some have combatted horrific occurances in their lives and built an incredible life for themselves despite it all!
And then we hear of other people's circumstances (the majority) - maybe just as horrific - maybe not - who will never be able to move and change - they will be forever stuck!
As Zig Ziglar always says - it is NOT about our Circumstances! It is about what we do with what has been handed us and how we can move out of that "circumstance circle" - change and grow - CHANGE - that is the operative word!! Can they do it? Then, they need to start talking positively and working towards the light!
One last point - the exact same principle can be applied to someone beginning to work for themselves - taking the necessary risks associated with change - yes, embracing it - and moving forward - how many will be successful? Few - FEW!
When I talk with people - helping them to change and offering a solution that has worked for me and many others - when I hear them begin talking themselves out of it - that they CAN"T do it - it WON'T work - they have this to do or that to do or whatever - I CAN'T continue talking to this person! I have to move on and find the rare positive - CAN DO person!
I wish her the best - but the poor girl was only 14 years old when she married this man - never had a chance to grow up herself - yes he is a king at manipulation - but she is a queen in accepting it - she knows nothing else - she WANTS to believe him even though she knows he is a RAT!
So very sad.....
Sorry - I'm on my soap box - time to leave for a meeting,
Warmest, Susan Private Reply to Susan Perkins | | Aug 26, 2005 5:25 pm | | re: re: Should this woman let her husband return to their home? | # |
Sandra Harmon | | Hi, Susan
You give good soap box. I do agree with everything you said. Thanks for your clear thinking on the matter. Both the host of the show and I agreed that she would probably take him back, no matter what good advice we gave her because of all the reasons you posited above.
Sandy Harmon
Private Reply to Sandra Harmon | | Aug 27, 2005 5:37 pm | | re: re: re: Should this woman let her husband return to their home? | # | 
Danielle Bailey | | Should she take him back? No. Will she? Probably. Women like this - and I feel terribly sorry for them - usually keep the man until HE dumps HER. Usually for someone more like she should have been herself. How odd and terrible :(
My mother in law was 14 when she married and gave birth to the first of 5 sons. Don is the 4th. Is she from Iran? nope. West Virginia actually. This man had 7 children WITH HER SISTER and molested several of his daughters while still married to my mother in law. He was also severely abusive to her and all of his children. Who knows how many other children he had with other women. She knew he was sleeping with her mother and sister, but didn't know he was molesting his daughters - but still stayed with him.
Why did she finally leave him? She didnt. He left her. Because she got cancer and had to have a hysterectomy. He said she was no longer a woman and could give him no more children so he left.
She lost her youngest children (my hubby included) to foster care because she had to work 3 jobs to support them and the eldest got into drugs and started to abuse her and the younger boys.
Finally - something - who knows what - kicked in and she got on I-77 until it ran out in Columbia, SC. She got a job and a home and brought her boys down to live with her after she got on her feet. She later filed bankruptcy and lived off of $90 a week (she was still doing this when I met her) but eventually paid everything off and now owns her home and car free and clear and pays her bills on time and dotes on her grandkids.
It *can* be done, but for many of these women it takes a severe wakeup call to get it done. Martha is one of the strongest women I've ever met and has had a life I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, but she wouldn't have taken those steps on her own. She wouldn't have left him - because he was the father and provider for her children.
She became mother/father/provider/protector when she absolutely HAD to and if you've heard me talk about how great Don is you know she's had a far bigger influence on his life than his father - a man he refuses to acknowledge even when standing side by side with him. Don is an amazing dad - but he got those traits from her and from within himself. His foster care stories are pretty brutal except for one Baptist minister who he adored and wanted to have perform our wedding.
I'm rambling again, but my advice to this woman would have been - you've lived 2.5 years without this man. You've gone on, you've done it yourself - why throw that away?? If he wants to be a part of YOUR life that YOU'VE built - make him work his tail bone off to pay for that right. Roses, school clothes, romantic dinners for 2 and picnics for 7 - all with a smile and a damned thankful attitude for the priviledge of the 2 hours a week you give him. But don't let him back into your house because then HE, not YOU, becomes head of the household and he doesn't have that right until you give it back to him.
My mother in law got out. She's stronger and smarter and made a far better life for herself with zero support from family, friends, etc. She did it *all* on her own. Then forgave everybody because she'd gotten strong enough to do so. Now she has what she's always wanted (a housefull of grandkids!). If you guys ever want to have a success story about women who've made it despite every odd - Martha Bailey is IT. I only hope this other woman finds that little diamond inside herself that gives her the strength to hit that interstate and never look back.
Danielle
Private Reply to Danielle Bailey | | Aug 27, 2005 5:48 pm | | re: re: re: re: Should this woman let her husband return to their home? | # |
Sandra Harmon | | Danielle
You should have been beside me on that television show and told the caller what you just told us. I'm sorry I don't have her name and address. If I did, I would send her your post.
Sandy Harmon
Private Reply to Sandra Harmon | | Aug 28, 2005 2:02 am | | re:Should this woman let her husband return to their home? | # |
Susan Perkins | | Hear - Hear!!!
What an AMAZING story!! She picked herself up by her bootstraps and headed on down the highway...
I wonder if this "thing" is still in the life of her sister and mother and those little girls (I won't even say they are his daughters) who were abused? How disgusting...
I can't really even imagine a life like that - my neighbor is West Virginian and tells West Virginian jokes all the time..and I don't really like it...but...maybe there is something to them....
Just kidding guys....Are you ready for a blond joke....still kidding....
:-) Private Reply to Susan Perkins | | Aug 28, 2005 7:09 pm | | re: Should this woman let her husband return to their home? | # | 
Ken Lee | | Hi Sandy,
I am new here but I have learned it is better to dive in. My thoughts are that in any culture she would be free to leave except perhaps Muslim. Second, according to research I did, people who are incarcerated tend to have naked emotions that they express freely and reach people with. This leads women to fall in love with guys behind bars. Will he remain a good guy after he has freedom from the system? That is the question she must deal with and I would say she should look objectively at his track record. I believe everything happens for one or more of three time frames...a reason, a season or a lifetime and I believe he has shown a lifetime pattern here.
Ken Private Reply to Ken Lee | | Aug 30, 2005 10:19 pm | | re: Should this woman let her husband return to their home? | # |
KerryF | | Oh Sandy, how sad for this woman. Since she is from Iran I know that their belief systems are so different than my own.
For myself, I would NOT take him back. NEVER! But I'm not from Iran. I am not in an arranged marriage that began when I was 14.
He will not change. If she expects him to she's setting herself up for hurt.
I think that if she is able to divorce and move on, without severe consequences from her society, then she should do just that. Divorce and move on.
However, if she is about to face severe consequences then I have no place giving her any advice that would hurt her or her children.
I am so thankful to be who I am, born where I was, in the time period I am living. This story only helps me to appreciate my own life all the more.
I sure wish her the best with whatever decision she makes.
Kerry Flinders
Network Leader of Organizing Boot Camp
http://obc-network.ryze.com
Author of Organizing With NO Budget!
http://www.organizinghelp4u.comPrivate Reply to KerryF | | |
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