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| | The Love, Marriage, Relationships Network is not currently active and cannot accept new posts | | Why Some Married Women Have Affairs.... | Views: 605 | | Oct 20, 2005 2:51 pm | | Why Some Married Women Have Affairs.... | # | 
Sandra Harmon | |
We have had and are still having a lively discussion as to why some married men have affairs.
But the statistics are rising for women too. So the question of the day is, "Why are so many more married women having affairs these days than ever before?"
I look forward to hearing your responses.
xxxxxx
Sandy Harmon Private Reply to Sandra Harmon | | Oct 20, 2005 5:11 pm | | re: Why Some Married Women Have Affairs.... | # | 
Marielena Alvarez | | Probably for some of the same reasons as our male counterparts. Then again there are folks who stay married because of the rules of their religion (time for some serious research and counseling, perhaps outside your faith). Any religion must take into account there are valid reasons to divorce, like incest, abuse, but abandonment of the marriage bed is also valid. A man has a duty to meet the sexual needs of his wife as well as being her protector, provider and father of her children. Staying married because of the kids is not always valid and I believe that sometimes a healthy divorce is better than a lousy marriage, a horrible environment in which to bring up children. Think of the message you are sending to your children. They will want anything but what they grew up with! When pne parent is abusing another, the children learn how to manipulate the weaker parent and the cycle continues.
I had an ex that didn't want sex very often, it dwindled to nothing, then he decided he didn't even want to share a bed anymore. This, after eight years of marriage and much soul searching on my part. Time to look elsewhere if they refuse to go to counseling (go by yourself) or even discuss their lack of libido, with you or a physician. My ex was a smoker, from what I am told that is a libido killer, he had promised to quit and never followed through.
We have an amicable relationship now, but at one point I had to tell him "You need to get a life" because I already have one. I told him "I didn't get married to be a nun." We were merely housemates at one point and he refused to change. I eventually got him to sign a separation agreement and bought a townhouse of my own. Once you have a separation agreement in place, you can then legally behave as a single person, at least in Maryland.
When you are sexually incompatible, it leads to problems. We had lived together for a year before getting married, and because no insurmountable problems occurred, I married him. You will both continue to change, but you can also grow apart. After marriage he changed for the worst. He preferred to tune me out in a disagreement so there went communication . . .
I prefer open and honest communication, which is what I have found in a polyamorous relationship with two great guys, one of which is also involved with another female. Polyamory is not swinging (which is strictly sexual, no relationships with others), and is a viable alternative to monogamy.
There is no jealousy, except when the other gal gets more time with him than I'm getting! We do not live together, everyone has their own place. The men are as different as night and day, each connects with me on different levels and I get my needs met in many areas, not just the physical stuff. I have a relationship with them both and am getting to know the other female better, but there is nothing sexual between us. Both men enjoy holding hands, cuddling, kissing, etc. One of my requisites! One likes chick flicks and one doesn't; one is into sports, like golf and football, the other has never asked to watch the game at my house. They both have children, one has two girls ages three and six; the other has teens, a son 15 and a daughter 13. I have met the teens, but not the little ones (but then I've been seeing him for less than six months). Private Reply to Marielena Alvarez | | Oct 20, 2005 7:18 pm | | re: re: Why Some Married Women Have Affairs.... | # | 
Ravi Kanduri | | Quite candid... admire your conviction in what you want... and going for it...
About the topic, IMO, I think the reasons all could be the same and the reason for 'more' now seem to have the root cause in our lives becoming more:
- busy
- financially driven
- work load
- responsibilities
- time spent apart
- time spent with colleagues
- etc. etc. etc.
probably there are a host of other reasons... and I feel while these 'root causes' drive one in that direction... it also depends on how much a person is willing to go ahead in this direction...
And again, as they say, many a time the folks who are not being naughty [ :-) ] may only be becuz of lack of opportunity - more than anything else...
Cheers !!Private Reply to Ravi Kanduri | | Oct 20, 2005 11:53 pm | | re: Why Some Married Women Have Affairs.... | # | 
John Joseph | | I'll be brief and give you some quick reasons why I believe this is so.
1. More professional woman. - They are experiencing the power and position in the work place. Possibly on the road just like men they are lonely. They are also experiencing the stress and a higher heart attack rate like the men.
The ladies in the factory and the store are meeting more men than just the guy that comes home to them every evening. "Nice Guys." They are funny. They pay attention. They have conversations and LISTEN to them.
2. Age. - They are growing older and their man hasn't paid "romantic" attention to them.
3. Insecurity - Research shows that woman reach their mid-life crisis in the late 30's, also the sexual prime. They are usually worried about their ability to attract another, and their sexuality. Baaaaad combination. For men too!
4. Take 2 & 3 and possibly this occurs "SEDUCTION".
MEN! Better pay attention to what is going on around you. Give her some flowers at the very least... WITHOUT A REASON! I'm sure the women here on LMR will say jewelry works better.
It can start quite innocently.
Quick story - Ten years ago an old flame of my wifes' spouse was dying from cancer. Somehow he ended up on the phone with my Mrs. So one day when I was at work she went to lunch with him. "To talk and be a friend." I think was what was told after the fact. 50 miles oneway?
Some weeks later I went to Charleston, SC for weekend duty and called Friday night when I arrived there. No answer. She had been on the way home from a teacher school training program in the north part of the state and hit bad thunder showers on the way home. So she called him and met at the Mall for dinner... with his daughter of course.
I perceived a pattern developing here. Donna is a loving, caring, Christian mother. In her mind she just wanted to comfort her high school friend. She has a heart of gold. I calmly, and lovingly pointed out to her that there are other support people and groups. As my wife that she is committed to me and our son. At that time 15 years of marriage.
On a previous topic someone stated that you shouldn't be in some places or put yourself in a compromising position. I pointed that out, and gave a "what if" scenario of myself and an old flame. She agreed.
He called on occasion after his wife passed. I asked my wife to terminate the calls. I'm the same age as him, and he passed his mourning stage. She just couldn't see it. Get a clue ladies.
Don't be jealous and stupid. Protect your woman, and be kind. There are lots of so called "Nice Guys."
I know what men my age and younger feel and think, then and now.
Private Reply to John Joseph | | Nov 05, 2005 4:05 pm | | re: Why Some Married Women Have Affairs.... | # | 
Denise Michaels | | Hi Sandra:
I travel quite a bit on business. I stay in nice hotels and I'm there usually speaking at or staffing at a seminar with lots of people - often exciting and interesting people. Add to that the fact that I've lost a lot of weight and have a lot more men flirting with me these days. It's a new thing and it's fun, I'll admit. I've been tempted - but I've never acted on that temptation.
Ernie and I have been together for eight years and it's not always perfect but I recognize the role he plays in my life. He's supportive of everything I do and he grounds me. He's always there to hold my hand or hug me or say, "You can do it, hon! I believe in you." To me that weighs as much more important than a fling.
Two things I want to say about why I think others do it:
They think the grass is greener on the other side
The ol' forbidden fruit thang
All the best,
Denise Michaels
Author, "Testosterone-Free Marketing"
Visit: http://www.GreatIdeasforWomenOver40.com Private Reply to Denise Michaels | | Nov 05, 2005 4:43 pm | | re: re: Why Some Married Women Have Affairs.... | # |
Sandra Harmon | |
This post, begun by me, reminded me of the one time in my life that I did cheat on my husband. This happened two million years ago, when I was twenty-six, and married to Larry Harmon, aka Bozo The Clown, who was also the head of a large animated cartoon studio in Hollywood. He was a married clown, (no, he didnt wear his clown suit to bed), about twelve years older than I was, and I was his mistress. He lived in Los Angeles, I lived in New York, and I lived for his frequent visits, where I would join him at his suite at the Waldorf Towers for a week or two before he went back to Los Angeles and I went back to my studio apartment on East 54th.
In those days, the situation called for me to scream, cry, beg him to leave his wife for me, and threaten to leave him if he didnt. After a few years, when I finally had enough and did leave him, he left her, and lo and behold, we got married. Did I still love him? Who knows? What I do know is that three days after the ceremony and reception, he went on a business trip to Chicago alone and I sex with a man I met at a nightclub I went to with friends.
The moral of the story is undoubtedly, "be careful of what you wish for".
I didnt see the man I had sex with again for about thirty years, but when I did, I reminded him of our night together. (He had forgotten, but was delighted to hear we had once done the deed) and as for Bozo, our marriage was a nightmare and I left after a year and a half.
Although I wrote all about it in my first book, "A Girl Like Me", people still think I am being insulting rather than accurate when I mention that I was once married to(a)Bozo.
xxxxx
Sandy Harmon
Your Love Coach
http://www.sandraharmon.com
Private Reply to Sandra Harmon | | Nov 05, 2005 5:29 pm | | re: re: Why Some Married Women Have Affairs.... | # |
John Joseph | | Denise Michaels summed it up very well IMHO. It is essentially the same things that get most men. It boils down to remembering the TRUST, and support you get from home. Obviously, Denise gets plenty... of support and trust. vbg. I think of how I would hurt if she did this. I don't want to inflict that kind of pain.
I've been through the weight loss thing over the years. It works both ways. BTW - You look good babe! I love the flattery too. I think us guys go over the top to many times about it, and my spouse recognizes it. Funny story: Upon retiring from the Navy I grew my beard back. I have been told many times that I look like Billy Joel. Donna, and I were in a store and this lady stated this to me. Donna said, "Oh don't get excited, he's getting old and fat too." My partner keeps me in check at the appropriate times.
DENISE! I checked your Ryze page. Very Cooool! As if you need my approval. I'll read more detail. Perhaps Donna will want to look at it. Besides teaching for 26 years, she has done HOMCO, Creative Memories, some other things. Now she is just doing digital photography an investment for sure. $$She has done some pay gigs.
CongratS!
John Private Reply to John Joseph | | Nov 06, 2005 1:41 am | | re: re: re: Why Some Married Women Have Affairs.... | # |
Denise Michaels | | John Joseph wrote:
(snip) "I've been through the weight loss thing over the years. It works both ways. BTW - You look good babe! I love the flattery too. I think us guys go over the top to many times about it, and my spouse recognizes it." (snip)
DMM: Thanks for your positive comments, John. Here's what's interesting about the weight loss thing. I'm 47 not 27 and I swear when I go on these trips (no more till next year now) since losing the weight I have guys tripping over themselves to talk with me and hang out with me. It's really quite amusing. Bear in mind some of them have been in my marketing teleclasses (I'm a trainer with a large seminar organization) every week for a couple months so they feel like they have a friendship with me already as a result of that weekly contact.
"Hey Denise, do you want to go to dinner with us? We got a little group together and..."
"Denise, I'd really like an opportunity to sit down and talk with you about such and such. How 'bout doing a Starbucks...?
"Denise, I'd appreciate getting your take on this business deal I've got on the table. I value your opinion."
Now, I'm not operating under any false illusions. I never gave Miss America a run for her money even in my twenties. And every time I go to get my haircut I threaten the stylist with her own scissors if she makes me look like a bland hausfrau. *LOL*
But at this age - I'm a bit startled by it all. It's fun - oh hey - I'm not complainin' - but geez, I think about all the fun I missed out on while I was overweight. And I find it really funny that guys are willing to go a little gaga over a middle aged former fattie with short dark hair - no long blonde tresses and no boob implants. I dunno - I think it says good things about men in the world.
Who knew! *wink*
All te best,
Denise Michaels
Author, "Testosterone-Free Marketing"
Visit: http://www.GreatIdeasforWomenOver40.com
Private Reply to Denise Michaels | | Nov 07, 2005 2:29 pm | | re: re: re: re: Why Some Married Women Have Affairs.... | # | 
Patricia Barboza TreasuresofPassion.com | | I like your reply very much. I am very small, petite, and I do lots of parties in a college town 2 hrs or so from where I live. I am going to be 33 next month and I have 3 girls that I adore and have been married for almost 10 yrs now, love him too. BUT I do love the attention of the "college aged" guys there and it seems to revive me and make me feel good. After 3 kids and always worried about my weight, now I am a size 1 but have always been told by my family and what my hubby calles other jealous people that I needed to gain weight(my whole life I may add), it gives me a boost.
Many people do not realize that weight issues can go both ways. You have too much or by some people you have too little. I believe I look hot, now I do this so that what my family says won't get me so down to where I have to go on antidepressants and gain so much weight to where they are then telling me I am getting fat!!! Talk about mind games!! My husband loves me the way I am and after flipping some kids heads I have to agree with him. Family for me has taken to the back door. Nothing artificial on me either and no diets, just healthy meals and my running program.
Yes, I do get tempted at times. But I have so much more waiting for me at home that there is nothing and no one that can give me what my hubby and girls already do.
Patricia C. Barboza
See what all the buzz is about!!
http:www.PassionCookie.com Private Reply to Patricia Barboza TreasuresofPassion.com | | Nov 08, 2005 4:55 am | | re: re: re: re: Why Some Married Women Have Affairs.... | # |
John Joseph | | shrug...BEATS ME? No, no, no, don't beat me! I have a very close friend and for years he and I were accountability partners. He was the Principle Consultant for a very sucessful computer firm, and they also provided what they termed "Professional Services"; training! Many times it was in their office and classrooms, but frequently he travelled to that businesses location to conduct classes. The same sort of thing would happen with the invitations. Usually he would take the entire class out for a big lunch and push the class later into the evening to avoid after hours things where people would trickel out then your stuck with someone alone.
He claims it is all because of "WEALTH AND POWER" or that perception. Why not the same for these men. I find intelligence attractive also.
We all come to realization that we are growing older, and hair is grayer, or for some thinner. Our big fat EGOs wants to know we can still attract the opposite sex (most of us the opposite). It is dangerous territory, especially when your spouse is busy with job/career, and you are too. Lack of attention from the loved one, and you're in the wrong place. My wife and I agreed years ago not to compromise ourselves. IOW, if you are somewhere and something could happen, then why the hell are you there for? RUN!!!
I travelled quite a bit solving computer problems, and drove many miles. I would listen to talk radio. I learned from a guest on one program, that women go through a mid-life crisis in the thirties vice men who are usually a little older. So, I recognized something that was going on in my own marriage. In this LMR forum I recounted about my wife's high school flame, who's spouse had died from cancer. Although, my wife thought she was just giving support, she came dangeroulsy close to screwing things up here after 15 years, by going to meet him twice for dinner. She would tell me afterward about it, and both times I was out of town. She just didn't get it.
I'm certain that losing your wife is the most aweful thing that can happen to you. However, in your marriage vows you promise to love, honor, support you husband OR wife. So, I had to explain to her that if it were me running off to visit an old flame to offer support, she would absolutely FREAK OUT! Ladies, don't fool yourself about how helpful, and/or JUST friendly you were being.
One last thing. I'm 48, and although men a wired visually, I don't necessarily make a decision about women based on their shape or color. If I were in your class and invited you to the group dinner, or some desert and coffee it is because I think you are a good person. I like to talk to much also. It doesn't mean I didn't notice you otherwise either.
I hear from my male friends and the Pastor of a great book entitled "Every Man's Battle." I'm uncertain of the authors name. It apparently is about how our culture slams men constantly with sexual images from a very young age. Science has already proven we are designed that way. We get conditioned to see women in the wrong way, before we ever say hello. NOT TO PREACH, but this is a difficult thing for even Christian husbands, fathers, and men. Private Reply to John Joseph | | Nov 09, 2005 6:05 am | | re: re: re: re: re: Why Some Married Women Have Affairs.... | # |
Denise Michaels | | John Joseph wrote:
"Ladies, don't fool yourself about how helpful, and/or JUST friendly you were being."
DMM: Here's the thing, John. Men and women are wired sooooooooo differently physically and emotionally that what you may not be aware of is that we honestly ARE there to be just helpful or supportive with absolutely no ulterior motives whatsoever.
I'm not saying you're not correct about the appropriateness of the situation - after all we may be doing it to be helpful - totally innocent - but the old flame across the table might be fishin' around to see if there's a chance or an opportunity. After all, perception IS reality.
All the best,
Denise Michaels
Author, "Testosterone-Free Marketing
Visit: http:/www.GreatIdeasforWomenOver40.com
Private Reply to Denise Michaels | | |
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