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| | The Love, Marriage, Relationships Network is not currently active and cannot accept new posts | | Why Do Men Lie to Women? | Views: 1361 | | Nov 19, 2005 5:16 pm | | Why Do Men Lie to Women? | # | 
Sandra Harmon | |
I posted this question the other day but the anonymous member who had sent me her problem asked me to remove it, so I did. Still, this is still the question that most of my female clients ask me, whether they are single or married. I am not saying that women do not lie to men, but for the most part, I think men have a lock on this kind of behavior.
So why do men lie to women? Is it a control issue, fear of "mommy", or what? I am eager to hear your responses.
xxxxxx
Sandy Harmon
Your Love Coach
www.sandraharmon.com
Private Reply to Sandra Harmon | | Nov 20, 2005 2:41 pm | | re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? | # | 
Robin Mathew Cherian | | One Word: Insecurity! Private Reply to Robin Mathew Cherian | | Nov 20, 2005 2:49 pm | | re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? | # |
Sandra Harmon | |
Come on, Robin. One word answers are cute, but dont help people wanting to learn or understand the issue. Please explain what you mean. How, in your opinion, does a man's insecurity lead to his lying to a woman?
I really do look forward to hearing more.......
xxxxx
Sandy HarmonPrivate Reply to Sandra Harmon | | Nov 20, 2005 2:55 pm | | re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? | # | 
Alan Zibluk | | I know when I lie to a woman, it is because I want to
either avoid getting into a verbal fight or I just don't
want to hurt another person's feelings. There is enough
DRAMA in the world.
AlanPrivate Reply to Alan Zibluk | | Nov 20, 2005 3:07 pm | | re: re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? | # |
Sandra Harmon | | Alan,
Are you saying that there is so much "drama" in the world (whatever that means), that you are justified in lying to another human being? Perhaps you can be more specific about the instances in which you lie to women to avoid conflict or hurt feelings.
Sandy Harmon
Private Reply to Sandra Harmon | | Nov 20, 2005 9:40 pm | | re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? | # | 
Phyllis-Joy Steinberg | | Hello Sandra, Hello All,
I think men tend to take the easy way out in communicating with women. Or what they preceive to be the easi(er)way out. Since men are typically not as comfortable communicating their feelings to women they either put the perhaps uncomfortable conversation on hold for a long time, content to duck and hide or when pushed to the challenge with their backs against the wall they may lie, or hide one or more of the components of the truth. All in an effort to avoid "feeling". They may say it is to protect a woman's feelings, but it really is an effort to protect their own feelings. I think it is sometimes easier for a man to lie if he just plain doesn't care but also if he cares very deeply for a woman. If he doesn't have feelings for a woman he simply will do what is easiest in the situation and involve the least amount of uncomfortable emotional effort. Which in a lot of cases results in lying. If the man cares deeply he will avoid an emotional situation or confrontation, for fear of upsetting the woman, or creating all kinds of disturbances in the relationship, or fearing perhaps even her leaving. That is why a woman's response to the man she cares for in her life is so important.
Men and women are just very different in the way they express themselves. Woman want to go deep into the emotional waters, men want to swim the other way. I think being in relationships is the only way woman and men can begin to learn how to share and understand what the other needs and wants. With men I believe action speaks louder than words. I think women need words. That is why just learning to trust more and learning to be vulnerable, and take risks in love will eventually create a healthier relationship. One that has been created from the broken hearts of past lovers with patience and tolerance and mutual respect. One where lies can't breed. One that will ultimately be worth the work it takes to build a solid relationship, where lies do not have a place. Fear is replaced with openess, authenticity and trust. A present relationship with depth, security and regard for both its participants.
Best Wishes,
Phyllis-Joy (PJ) Private Reply to Phyllis-Joy Steinberg | | Nov 21, 2005 12:46 am | | re: re: re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? | # |
Alan Zibluk | | I can’t speak for all men, but I can speak for myself and
other male friends. I was in a relationship with a woman
and I could never be alone again with my family, my
friends or just by myself. She thought it was so strange
that I just wanted to take 5 minutes to drive to the gas
station and fill the car up. She would say “we can do
that while we were going out somewhere.”
When we were with my friends or family, I had to watch
everything I said. I couldn’t be ME around them. She
would be embarrassed if I was with my friends in college
and we reminisced. She didn’t want to know any of it but
at the same time I could not ever be alone with the people
who cared about me. I was on my best behavior around her
friends but around my friends I should be able to be ME.
I should be able to discuss who I was and who I am today.
This is just my experience.
Today I am retired from relationships, however I have male
friends who are like “don’t tell my wife I stopped by.”
Also I have male friends who once in a blue moon will tell
their wives they are going to work a little late but
actually have a drink after work. I mean just one drink
and then rush home.
My male friends are very reserved when their women are
around and the few times they are alone they are more
relaxed and can say whatever without it coming back to
haunt them.
I think it is okay for a man to lie to a woman if it
prevents her being mad and/or just disappointed for a few
days. If we tell the truth, we just get into trouble.
This is just my experience and the experiences of the
people I know.
Alan
Private Reply to Alan Zibluk | | Nov 21, 2005 3:00 am | | re: re: re: re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? | # | 
John Joseph | | BEATS ME!
I'll be married 26 years on Thursday the 24th Thanksgiving day. Donna says I can't lie. It says liar, liar, liar all over my face. I have found that the best thing to do is be truthful. When you're not truthful you destroy trust, and credibility with just about everything. I'd rather be in trouble about something than caught in a lie, because no matter what you say or do afterward there will always be this suspicion about you. You've heard that saying, "It is easier to ask forgivness, than permission." I also know at this point what is going to stir up problems... not bad for a guy! I'm not flaming Alan, but you stated being on your best behavior around HER friends. You should be able to be yourself and socialably acceptable in the vast majority of company and situations at this point, and not like it's some special effort to be on your BEST behavoir... just being yourself should suffice EVERYWHERE Dude.
BTW - This particular woman sounds like the character in "Fatal Attraction" or at least a stalker type anyway. Private Reply to John Joseph | | Nov 21, 2005 3:36 am | | re: re: re: re: re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? (John) | # |
Alan Zibluk | | Hi John:
I know now that I was with the wrong person. Love is
blind.
From my experience I do know why men lie. I know way too
many men who are like "don't tell the Mrs. I did this."
It is to avoid any future argument and besides, women lie
just as much as men. It is pretty balanced.
Alan
PS: Congratulations on 26th years. I appreciate your
comments about just being me always , unfortunately a lot
of my humor is bathroom humor or sex jokes. My friends
like being with me, they say I cheer them up.Private Reply to Alan Zibluk | | Nov 21, 2005 5:37 am | | re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? | # | 
pratap kumar somala (somala_pratap@yahoo.co.in) | | Womans like lie and they believe lie. Private Reply to pratap kumar somala (somala_pratap@yahoo.co.in) | | Nov 21, 2005 7:25 am | | re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? | # |
Sandra Harmon | | No. women do not like lie and do not believe lie. Get real!
Sandy Harmon Private Reply to Sandra Harmon | | Nov 21, 2005 7:39 am | | re: re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? | # |
pratap kumar somala (somala_pratap@yahoo.co.in) | | yes madum, i have seen lot of ladys who like that. it is easy to tell lies to womans. ...
yes.Private Reply to pratap kumar somala (somala_pratap@yahoo.co.in) | | Nov 22, 2005 1:11 am | | re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? | # |
John Joseph | | Perhaps the difference in cultures. Don't presume that your skinny little India tail would ever get away with the lie, or that any western woman would believe it "just like that." Some will fool themselves, because the truth hurts. That is when they are in big trouble and need to get away from the LIAR. Private Reply to John Joseph | | Nov 22, 2005 1:19 am | | re: re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? | # |
Sandra Harmon | |
Thank you, John.
Sandy HarmonPrivate Reply to Sandra Harmon | | Nov 22, 2005 1:58 am | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? (John) | # |
John Joseph | | Thanks Alan, and YES I get it. I make my friends laugh all the time to, but I'm just a little crazy anyway. I'm a bit of an entertainer everywhere. See the site for a better understanding.
http://www.geocities.com/chiefjoseph96/main.html
I do know one case like you are talking about. Briefly, I spent 4 years active duty and 21 years active reserve (retired in 2000 as a "Chief"). Very many of those reserve years were serving in the same unit with a good friend that lives only about 5 miles away. He and I still go for a frosty mug frequently. We have another friend that resides with in just a few mile from the two of us. He has over twenty years of service and is a "Senior Chief" in the Navy. He acts like he is asking his Mommy if he can go out to play after dinner. That is just plain hen pecked, or pardon the expression PW. Got have some nads once in a while too, but it doesn't justify being a liar. Private Reply to John Joseph | | Nov 22, 2005 5:55 am | | re: re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? | # |
pratap kumar somala (somala_pratap@yahoo.co.in) | | Hello john,
i have chated with ladyes who r not indians. they like to hear lies.....
byePrivate Reply to pratap kumar somala (somala_pratap@yahoo.co.in) | | Nov 22, 2005 11:29 am | | re: re: re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? | # |
John Joseph | | You really believe that. Incredible! I just think they enjoy listening to someones stories(Lies). It is sort of entertainment. They enjoy hearing a good tail or just knowing that you're full of shit! Private Reply to John Joseph | | Nov 22, 2005 1:13 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? | # | 
Priya Florence Shah | | Hi John,
While I don't think his regressive opinion is restricted to Indian men, I don't think Indian women like being lied to either.
That's probably why he's still very single. The ones who tolerate it probably do it for the entertainment value, like you said.Private Reply to Priya Florence Shah | | Nov 22, 2005 1:15 pm | | re: re: re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? | # |
Sandra Harmon | | Pratap,
If you believe what you are saying, you are a fool. Nobody likes to be lied to, not women and not men. Perhaps because you are a liar, you are trying to justify your behavior.
Whatever, you seem to be quite ignorant and without awareness of what it is to be a "real man". To my mind, a "real man" practises honesty and has integrity, also cherishes women, children, animals and the earth before himself. Sounds like you cherish nothing but yourself. Ugh!
Sandy Harmon
Private Reply to Sandra Harmon | | Nov 22, 2005 1:19 pm | | re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? | # |
Robin Mathew Cherian | | Okay, okay..Truce...Sorry did not post earlier...But here's what i think...I do't know if it has anything to do with cultures but i should presume not.
Men like to be accepted. Especially by women they are wooing or trying to woo. Around such a lady, the guy will be the entertainer, Prince Charming and everything he is not in order to impress. A lie is not in just words but also in what you portray when you are with a lady whom you want to have. So if you are not yourself then you are living a lie. Why did i say insecurity? All men feel, believe it or not, a little unsure of their worthiness to be the ideal man for their woman. So we try to portray to the lady a person who is all that she wants. We look out for clues in her words and behaviour and change our behaviour and actions to suit her needs. Now i am not against this. It is good but you need to sustain the same even after marriage. There is no point in becoming your true self after marrying the lady or after having got what you've wanted from her.
I believe most of the divorces happen because of the false self portrayal by men during courtship. Then what follows is what Alan mentioned - Men will crave to be their own self, do their own thing and will have to lie to just have those few moments when they can enjoy doing things their spouses wouldn't approve.
Do i make sense?
Cheers! Private Reply to Robin Mathew Cherian | | Nov 22, 2005 1:38 pm | | re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? (Alan) | # |
Susan Perkins | | Alan wrote:
**unfortunately a lot of my humor is bathroom humor or sex jokes**
Why do men lie? Why do women lie? It is how they are raised...our "culture" (or should I say, lack of culture) ---And really Alan - Do ALL men the world over like sex jokes?? NAH!!! If this is the best that you can do on the humor side, then perhaps you aren't "Humorous" afterall....but it boils down to the culture in our country...
From a whee little one, we hear our parents tell lies -- maybe "Little white" lies - but lies nonetheless..."Oh, honey, tell the person on the phone that I'm not here!" or "Your daddy had to work late because he is saving to buy you something special." or "Santa Clause will give you many presents if you are "good"....and on and on it goes....
The "culture" in the U.S. is lacking - and it is a catch 22 situation...
Sunday, I went on a long bikeride (by myself - my son was with daddy and his stepmom for a Redskin game) and on the way back home from Georgetown, I went into a little cafe for a cappucino.
The man behind the counter is from Greece - I loved how he set up his cafe - clocks showing the time from different areas in the world - a large map of the world - many international touches - and the best - the music!!! I was immediately drawn to the CULTURE and natural warmth and openness this man exuded! I began talking with him asking if the guitar music was flamingo and he mentioned it was a compilation from all around the world - one song was an opera singer - like I had never heard before - It was hard to stay tearfree...
As I sat and drank and talked to this man - something happened to me - this man is in his 60's - but so full of life - and expressed himself fully - no hidden agendas - or feeling "hemmed in" for not being able to talk gutter talk with his "HE" men friends....
Then the conversation turned to the lack of culture in this country - the rap - the video games - the sex on TV, magazines, everywhere.....kids killing...bad mouthing...etc. etc....
Guys, what are we doing to our children?? How are WE raising them? I want to grab my son and live in Europe - teach him some culture - get him away from the "RED NECK" mentality of the men in this country!! I'm sickened by what I see here - this is NOT found around the world!
I often wondered why I don't find any man attractive to me - I have been single for over a decade - why?...
It all clicked this Sunday --- it is the MEN in this country that I don't like --- the "BUSH" alikes....RED NECKS.....so concerned about themselves that they aren't able to fully have a romantic (real romantic) relationship with a woman....so scared about what they say and if someone is open to them and begins talking...surely they have an agenda,,,,right??? So on guard with their "weapons" of destructions...
Please excuse the sarcasm - I know I am stereotyping - and there are many exceptions....but this is what I have found in ALL my years here! I was born in Weisbaden, Germany (on a U.S. military base), but haven't been back over the ocean since I was a baby.
I'm sick of this mentality! Sick!
What is my NEW goal? To find a place to live in gorgeous Greece or Spain or Germany or Switzerland or NZ or Denmark or Italy...somewhere in Europe where men aren't so self conscious...
Last year, I met a French woman at an event held at an Embassy in DC. We became fast friends - and she told me she dated an American man once and will never do so again. She stipulated the reason which I just mentioned - but I still hadn't gotten it...I still thought she was biased....
Not anymore....Where are REAL MEN in the U.S.??
Sadly, Susan
Private Reply to Susan Perkins | | Nov 22, 2005 6:50 pm | | re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? (Susan) | # |
Alan Zibluk | | Hi Susan (and everyone):
I am the type of person who needs to laugh. Laughing
feels great. I will joke about everything. I will joke
about sex, religion, politics, white collar, blue collar,
etc. I am against discrimination and violence, but I am
always up for a good laugh (even if the joke is on me).
Laughter is such a wonderful thing.
I am going to agree with a lot of things you said,
especially about our culture today. Today everything we
do or say is wrong. We are constantly told we are wrong.
If I smile at a good looking co-worker I am wrong. My
humor is reserved only for the people I know as so many
little things today are deemed so offensive.
Speaking of humor, my favorite DVD is Airplane (1980). I
will watch this movie over and over again and I laugh. I
have my bad and sad days and I need humor. I bring up the
movie “Airplane” as it is a movie you can’t make today.
It’s too offensive in today’s culture.
Back to the topic of “Why Men lie,” Many reasons. I know
good men. Men who are good husbands and good fathers.
Men who don’t cheat. Still we are told we are wrong and
once in a while it is nice to let the hair down, say
whatever you want to say and not have that come back to
haunt you. My ex girlfriend said way too many times “once
it is in the memory bank it stays there.”
I am against cheating on a significant other. It is
wrong. If you feel the need to cheat, you should not be
with that person. I have told the people closest to me if
they ever cheat, not to use me as an excuse. I think it
is wrong and I am a terrible liar. However if a friend of
mine calls me and asks me to meet him somewhere for just
one beer and not tell anyone, I am all for it. I have had
friends thank me for making them laugh for a moment and
told me I was a good mental break. Then after one beer
they will go back to their wives, their children and their
mortgage payments.
Regarding the “mother” analogy, I can see how that applies
(asking mommy for permission), but here is my argument.
Mothers usually forgive; wives and girlfriends usually
don’t (at least the women I know).
Everything I stated here is just my experiences. The
original topic was “Why Men Lie.” I am only giving
feedback as I think some people may find it useful.
I will agree a lot of what we are doing (men lying, women
lying) is based on today’s culture. I don’t have an
answer but do realize we have some problems. In a perfect
world we would have mutual cooperation. If I thought for
one moment I could actually make the world a better place,
I would at least try.
I am a little sad right now but today is Tuesday.
Tonight “My Name is Earl” is on as well as “The Office.”
Humor keeps me going.
AlanPrivate Reply to Alan Zibluk | | Nov 22, 2005 7:08 pm | | re: re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? (Susan) | # |
John Beckvis | | I just joined this group and Ryze, is there normally this much misandry here? So much hate speech. Private Reply to John Beckvis | | Nov 22, 2005 7:22 pm | | re: re: re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? (Susan) | # |
Sandra Harmon | | I dont know the word misandry. What does it mean? As for hate speech? I also dont know what you mean. I good way to know what discussed on this forum is by looking at the different posts. Sometimes people do disagree, and this is certainly one topic that has caused people to do so. But rather than complain, why dont you post?
Sandy Harmon Private Reply to Sandra Harmon | | Nov 22, 2005 7:55 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? (Susan) | # |
John Beckvis | | My comments were merely observations, not complaints. I am simply asking if I can expect this level of conversation as a typical style in this forum? I have no problem discussing issues but I don’t like to get it to personal attacks when someone doesn’t like something said, which I have seen here in this thread, that doesn’t allow for the understand of the issue. Private Reply to John Beckvis | | Nov 23, 2005 1:08 am | | re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? (Susan) | # | 
Chris Janssen | | Susan-
I read through your observations and felt a bit of disappointment. Perhaps I'm just fooling myself, but there are those of us (men) out there that do operate with integrity and love for our fellow man (and woman). Please don't think that ALL American men resemble your observations. Perhaps that are quite a few, but perhaps that is also part of the reason why the divorce rate is where it is at. Unfortunately it is a self-perpetuating issue. As young men grow up and have the example they do to look at, that is how they learn to act and treat each other. You realized you were making generalizations, but I can honestly say it was still a little bit disheartened to be included in that "group" you were speaking of. Some women like to believe that ALL (American) men gather together in the bars around the country after work, talk bad about their spouses or significant others in a derogatory tone, and tell dirty jokes. Well, this is not the case. Perhaps men like myself are the exception, but I rally don't think so.
Take care,
Chris
Private Reply to Chris Janssen | | Nov 23, 2005 6:05 am | | re: re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? | # |
pratap kumar somala (somala_pratap@yahoo.co.in) | | First Sorry for all........
It is not Pratap. soem of my firends know my id and passwords...
realy no one can like lies... it is fact. .........
thenks for gviing your good openion.....
once again Sorry for this.....
byePrivate Reply to pratap kumar somala (somala_pratap@yahoo.co.in) | | Nov 23, 2005 3:31 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? (John) | # | 
Leslie Freude Holtzclaw | | Alan wrote>>> I think it is okay for a man to lie to a woman if it prevents her being mad and/or just disappointed for a few days. If we tell the truth, we just get into trouble.
Alan, then what do you do when you get caught in a lie? You end up getting in trouble anyway.
Being caught in a lie brings on distrust. So how can your partner trust you again? Wouldn't you rather tell the truth then ruin the relationship?
Blessings, Leslie
Private Reply to Leslie Freude Holtzclaw | | Nov 23, 2005 3:50 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? (Leslie) | # |
Alan Zibluk | | Hi Leslie:
I am probably the wrong person to ask since I am not in
a relationship. I am retired.
I am out there and I see men lie, I see women lie. It is
one of the reasons why I am retired.
On the subject of lying, when I was involved with my ex-
girlfriend, she once asked me if a particular friend of
mine liked her (he didn't). I told her "yes" and that he
was reserved around her as he didn't want to say the wrong
thing.
AlanPrivate Reply to Alan Zibluk | | Nov 23, 2005 4:07 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? (Leslie) | # |
Sandra Harmon | | Alan,
What do you think would have happened if you told her the truth. Is there a chance that the truth might have set her free, i.e. allowed her to have the correct information which could have helped her create a better relationship with your friend, if that is what she chose to do. What a confusing thing...to be told a person likes you, who doesn't, so that you can feel one feeling, and hear another.
If you retire from relationships because people lie, and you lie, you are shooting yourself in the foot.
Why not just start with the truth, and see where you can go from there. We all lie socially, as in, yes your hair looks fine, but the situation you mention was badly dealt with, I think. I think you should learn how to deal with uncomfortable situations through good communication rather than lies that keep you out of trouble. Thats what little boys do with their mother. Good communication is not that difficult. YOu just have to learn how to do it.\
Sandy Harmon
Private Reply to Sandra Harmon | | Nov 23, 2005 4:52 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? (Leslie) | # |
Alan Zibluk | | Hi Sandy:
Regarding your question, if I told the truth I would have
never been able to see my friend again.
More on the topic of lying, any women (regarding if this
is true or not) who asks me "if I look fat in this," I will
answer "no." The truth hurts, so why tell it?
AlanPrivate Reply to Alan Zibluk | | Nov 23, 2005 5:03 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? (Leslie) | # |
Sandra Harmon | | Alan,
We all get it about looking fat. Thats easy.
But think about what you said. You friend tells you he doesnt like your girlfriend but puts you in the position of having to lie to her or lose him. I have a feeling there were other alternatives to the situation. Also, if you can lose a friend over that, he or she is not much of a friend.
Sandy Private Reply to Sandra Harmon | | Nov 23, 2005 5:10 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? (Leslie) | # |
Leslie Freude Holtzclaw | | Alan,
You stated you're "retired." Why would you retire from relationships when others lie...that has nothing to do with you? Or is it the fact you were in a bad relationship and you're taking time to heal and work on YOU? When and if you begin a new relationship will you continue to lie? Or is this something you're working?
I feel those that lie are insecure within themselves. Yes they may not want to hurt someone else's feelings but in the end they're doing more damage.
Leslie
Private Reply to Leslie Freude Holtzclaw | | Nov 23, 2005 6:43 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? (Leslie) | # |
Alan Zibluk | | Hi Leslie:
You really hit the nail on the head with your comment "I
feel those that lie are insecure within themselves."
Unfortunately we do live in an insecure world where the
truth does hurt. Whatever I do or don't do will never
change this.
AlanPrivate Reply to Alan Zibluk | | Nov 23, 2005 6:49 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? (Sandy) | # |
Alan Zibluk | | Hi Sandy:
Regarding your comment "We all get it about looking fat.
Thats easy."
I am glad you get it. Please tell me where the line is.
When should I tell the truth and when should I lie?
Regarding my friend, he never said anything about her
until after the relationship ended. I knew he didn't like
her (I could tell) but never said anything. He was there
for me after the relationship ended.
AlanPrivate Reply to Alan Zibluk | | Nov 23, 2005 6:58 pm | | re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? | # |
John Joseph | | Oh Yeah, you make sense. I think what you're saying is during the courting, romancing, and such, we men tend to be more chivalerous(sp?), polite, patient, understanding... not necessarily lying. HOWEVER, if you are at the point of tying the knot you have some idea who this person REALLY is; don't you? Tomorrow is 26 years with my lady, and I still want her to think I'm Prince Charming.
This becomes more difficult the more intimate you become with each other, and the more years that go by. Works both ways. I'm probably more SHREK at this point.
I hesitate to say this, because it is probably to much of a generalization or stereotype BUT I slip it in for this conversation anyway. "Women seem to want to change who their man is." Perhaps it is just trying to smooth out the rough edges. I don't feel that my spouse has tried to change me. She will let me know when she is unhappy about something that I know she would like to change; i.e. (maybe TMI) bathroom cleanliness, I'm still explaining that it is simply for pointing, not aiming and sharp shooting. My 16 yr. old son and I don't always hit the "target" at the first spurts.LOL Remedy: Just clean it up, and keep the Queen happy! ;>} AND DON'T LIE... must have been the dog. LOL %)
Private Reply to John Joseph | | Nov 23, 2005 7:24 pm | | re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? (Alan) | # |
John Joseph | | HI SUSAN!
Are you iin DC? N E Way, I agree pretty much with what you have said here. I do believe however, that it is more generational than geographical. I have spent 25 years in the Navy & Reserves, and Europe doesn't seem to have anything better than we do. Germany my last stop before retirement has very explicit stuff on regular TV as does the BBC in the UK (which is only late night). The world is a beautiful place, but there is filth and corruption everywhere.
I'm not sure what you mean by "BUSH" alikes. I'm a Christian, a military retiree, and a conservative. That doesn't mean I agree with everything that the GOP says and does either. This is a whole different topic.
As you say, it is up to us as parents and guardians (I raised a nephew) to mold and grow an adult that has INTEGRITY.
Private Reply to John Joseph | | Nov 24, 2005 5:06 pm | | Susan real man is their inside your mind | # |
Purandar Ghimire | | Susan,
You raise the mervelous point that "Where are REAL MEN in the U.S.??" Men are not alike...look at the fingers on your hand all are not same so do Men...No one is real and perfect, we all are learner and learning every new things every day. Indeed, there is man for everybody, god has created it...It is luck as well as destiny to meet the partner we deserve.
My perceptions is that If i like some one, then i will give her 100 percent love, try to adjust myself with her, life will not complete with out love, so in order to be in love, you have to love yourself...if you are capable to give yourself a love then you are capable to give love to other.
I think love will make a Man a REAL MAN, Susan, person of your Caliber, might able to meet a man later you can make him A REAL MAN.
Thankx
Private Reply to Purandar Ghimire | | Nov 30, 2005 5:39 pm | | re: re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? (John) | # |
Leslie Freude Holtzclaw | | John, you probably knew you would get a response out of your statement.:):) hehehe
John, clarify something for me. Why do men always think women are trying to change them? In reality some women do but so do men. John, from your example I don't feel this has anything to do with changing someone. I think it has to do with habits. Most (confident) women will tell you what they don't like especially if they have to clean up the mess all the time.:) If I had to clean up my hubby's "bad aims" (hehehe) all the time I would mention something to him, not to change him though.
I see it as having respect for everyone else in the household that has to use the same bathroom. Would you want to go in the bathroom to see a feminine product in the toilet?:):) That would be disgusting. Wouldn't you mention it and ask that person to respect others that have to use the same bathroom?
Just my 2 cents:) Blessings, Leslie
John wrote>>>I hesitate to say this, because it is probably to much of a generalization or stereotype BUT I slip it in for this conversation anyway. "Women seem to want to change who their man is." Perhaps it is just trying to smooth out the rough edges. I don't feel that my spouse has tried to change me. She will let me know when she is unhappy about something that I know she would like to change; i.e. (maybe TMI) bathroom cleanliness, I'm still explaining that it is simply for pointing, not aiming and sharp shooting. My 16 yr. old son and I don't always hit the "target" at the first spurts.LOL Remedy: Just clean it up, and keep the Queen happy! ;>} AND DON'T LIE... must have been the dog. LOL %)
Private Reply to Leslie Freude Holtzclaw | | Nov 30, 2005 5:55 pm | | re: re: re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? (John) | # |
Sandra Harmon | | John,
I fail to see how the inability of you and your son to pee straight has anything to do with this topic. But there have been many responses to my question, especially from men, that I consider less than truthful, or at best, from outer space.
Sorrrry
Sandy Harmon
Private Reply to Sandra Harmon | | Nov 30, 2005 6:35 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? (Sandy) | # |
Chris Janssen | | WHOA! Hold the turnip truck!
Oh, wait a minute...
I guess that's an Ok statement since Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus.
Take care,
Chris
Private Reply to Chris Janssen | | Nov 30, 2005 6:38 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? (John) | # |
Leslie Freude Holtzclaw | | Sandra,
I have to agree with you.
No wonder men are from mars and women are from venus:)
Blessings, LesliePrivate Reply to Leslie Freude Holtzclaw | | Nov 30, 2005 7:27 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? (John) | # |
Sandra Harmon | | Hi Everyone,
I don't want to just condem John and his inability to pee straight and not give a few examples of my own.
This is about a man I recently dated. We met on jDate. Four seconds after I answered his email he was making plans to drive his brand new Mercedes convertible to L.A. from Las Vegas to see me.
We had a good time. I'm not sure that we would have made it to the altar but there was alot of heat. I liked him and looked forward to seeing him again. He liked me and said he would return as soon as he could.
Unfortunately, during the weeks that followed, I conluded that although he was funny and charming, he lacked a certain level of integrity I require, (what he said and what he did were so at odds)that I suggested to him that I was feeling so uncomfortable, that we simply call it a day.
In response, he emailed me a long letter to explain to me that I was WRONG! The following are just a few of his explanations....
l. I did call you on Saturday. I dialed the number with all the nine's in it. I can't imagine why you didnt get the message I left.
2. I did email you my response to your letters of condolence to me. I cant imagine why you didnt get it.
3. I'm sorry I didnt call when I said I would. I was really busy. l'll call you on the weekend so we can finally talk. (no call)
4. How could you stupidly conclude that the only reason I was on JDate was to look for women. There are other reasons to be on JDate.
5. I really care about you. It's just that the distance between us is making you think I don't care and there is nothing I can do to change your mind. It is just that I am more cautious than you and you are more open.
6. I really do want to come and see you and I am trying to work out plans, but I just don't know when. But don't pin me down.
After his last phone call and explanation as to why he wanted to come and see me on Thanksgiving but blah,blah blah kept him from coming, I ended this non-relationship. But it certainly didn't make me feel good. So I repeat....Why Do Men Lie To Women?
xxxxxxxx
Sandy Harmon
Private Reply to Sandra Harmon | | Nov 30, 2005 10:08 pm | | Why Do Men Lie to Women? | # | 
Carla Sanders | | To get her into bed.
Because he had someone else in bed.
To avoid her wrath.
To stay out of trouble.
To do what he wants to do without repercussions.
To cover up a mistake.
To avoid his own feelings.
To be comfortable.
To get her off his back.
To keep his options open.
Because he forgot--again.
Because he learned it growing up.
Because it has worked in the past.
Because she lets him get away with it.
Because it makes him feel powerful, for a second.
Because it is a game.
Because he wants to have her cake and somebody else's.
Because she wouldn't have sex with him last time he told the truth.
Because he is not sure what the truth is.
Because it hurt too much.
Because he doesn't want to wear a condom.
I don't know why men lie to women. It doesn't sound like men know either!
Carla
Private Reply to Carla Sanders | | Nov 30, 2005 11:49 pm | | re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? | # |
PureOHRomance | | NO matter why men lie...we women still love them. I must say however, I feel like a lucky Lady, My husband is very honest with me. If a man is lying to you ask yourself, "why?" If there are no Repercussion for telling the truth then maybe more men would be truthful to women. I know many women who lie to their spouses because they don't want an arguement, men are no different. NOBODY wants to be given a hard time.
As for the Indian man.....What?
Live, Love Laugh
Carrie H
Pure Romance Cons
We Put the "O" in RomancePrivate Reply to PureOHRomance | | Dec 01, 2005 3:34 am | | re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? | # |
Leslie Freude Holtzclaw | | Has anyone read the book, "He's Just Not Into You"
That is another reason why mean lie...they don't want to hear your feelings and tell you "I'm just not as into you, as you are me."
I feel women are more up front because most of us can express our feelings. The majority of men can't or won't.
Should I duck now?:)
Blessings, LesliePrivate Reply to Leslie Freude Holtzclaw | | Dec 01, 2005 3:50 am | | re: re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? | # |
Chris Janssen | | Quick...duck!
No really.
I agree that men have a more difficult time expressing feelings and emotions. I don't understand why that would lead to lies?
Take care,
Chris
Private Reply to Chris Janssen | | Dec 01, 2005 5:23 am | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? (John) | # |
John Joseph | | Weeell Thanks. I'll have to learn to use better illustrations. Leslie - I'm not not sure why men think that women are out to change them. I certainly stated that Donna has not tried to change me. I'm most definitely not a liar,and Mrs. J can tell immediately when I've attempted anything like it.
Perhaps that is one small part of it though. Men PERCEIVE that they are trying to be fit into some mold or something, so lets lie our way around it?
Chris! HELP!! No for a moment I felt a little ganged up on here, and that's being honest.
Sandra posted about this guy lacking a LEVEL of integrity. Can you give me an example of LEVEL. I'm not trying to be a smart alec, I just personally believe you either have it or you don't. If there is anything I strive to maintain is my integrity with EVERYONE, female and male.
So, Sandra Repeated why do men lie to women? I should quit here because I don't, and/or I don't know why. I think I'm an interesting enough person without having to resort to tall tales. I don't do anything to question my integrity so there isn't a reason to lie. Private Reply to John Joseph | | Dec 01, 2005 6:46 am | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? | # | 
Denise Michaels | | Susan Perkins wrote:
"The "culture" in the U.S. is lacking - and it is a catch 22 situation..."
DMM: Culture is where you find it. You will not find European culture here in much of the US because you're not in Europe. So I think it's very smart that you've made a promise to yourself to look into living in one of those countries. You're defining culture in a very narrow way. As European. And yet there are cultural influences in this country from all over the world.
In the US culture is about hamburgers, french fries, apple pie, fried chicken and biscuits. It's not about Cabernet Sauvignon, pate and baguettes - lovely as those things are (my ancestry is French). It's about jazz music in the French Quarter, People magazine, the Rolling Stones, Thanksgiving turkey, shopping on Black Friday, the ball dropping in Times Square at the New Year and the Super Bowl and eating chocolate on Valentine's Day with the one you love. It's about wearing red, white and blue on the Fourth of July and watching fireworks with your neighbors sitting on a blanket under a star-filled sky. Culture in America is about carving pumpkins for Halloween and taking your kids trick-or-treating. Culture in America is about Chinatown in New York and San Francisco, the Inuit (eskimo) in the Pacific Northwest, Greektown in Detroit, shrimping in the low country of the Carolinas, and Middle Eastern culture in Dearborn.
I lived in San Diego for about ten years and their "culture" was very closely aligned to the border they shared with Mexico, the mariachi music, tortillas and salsa with eggs rather than toast and jam and ballet Folklorico - not some European country 5,000 miles and eight time zones away.
Back to Sandra's original question: Why do men lie? Because for many men relationships are not that intrinsically important to them. Facing the music doesn't sound like much fun so it's a lot easier to just skip out.
All the best,
Denise Michaels
Author, "Testosterone-Free Marketing"
Visit: http://www.GreatIdeasforWomenOver40.com
Private Reply to Denise Michaels | | Dec 01, 2005 8:40 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? | # |
John Joseph | | Very good Denise! I'm sure we all remember the phrase "Melting Pot." What you listed is just that. Isn't this one of the most incredible places ever in history!? We are AMERICANS FIRST. Then lets all glory in our ancestory after the pledge.
Back to Sandra's question: Do you really think MANY men?... and that it is "not intrinsically" important? I ask because I just don't think that I am that different or an exception to the MASSES. Relationships are very important to me. They are just from a different side of things than for some of you that are single, and dating.
Here we go again Sandra ;)... out on the limb. Perhaps some of this is like the abusive husband thing, and we are just an extension in many ways of our father. So, we lie just like Dad too. ***Please don't flame me to bad.***Private Reply to John Joseph | | Dec 03, 2005 2:01 am | | re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? | # | 
Dina Giolitto, WordFeeder.com | | ::Jumping in out of nowhere:::
Unreasonable people turn honest people into liars.
Manipulative word-twisters turn honest people into liars.
People who are not brave enough to accept what is, prompt other people to lie to them because it's less of a hassle.
People who create "damned if I do, damned if I don't situations" turn other people into liars.
And people who force other to lie to them because they can't handle the truth? Well... they get talked about behind their backs.
That's my take!
DinaPrivate Reply to Dina Giolitto, WordFeeder.com | | Dec 05, 2005 5:50 am | | re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? (Dina & Alan) | # |
Susan Perkins | | Hi there Dina -
In reading your post - it reminds me of the typical response that people give when caught in a lie from the time children learn to talk on into adulthood (if they never grew up! :-))
"Well, So and So made me do it!"
Really, this is childish and no reason for ever telling a lie.
Passing the buck onto someone else for the reason we lie is a copout! We should teach our children to take responsibility for their lies by our example as adults (taking responsibility when we are wrong) then maybe we can help change this dangerous ongoing trend to something more positive - truthful - and also self-esteem building.
Where is the line to be drawn as Alan asks? There need be no line drawn; EVER - simply don't put yourself in a situation - EVER to have to lie! If someone asks you a direct question that you do not want to answer (if you are not sitting on the hot seat in a Court of Law of course) - simply say, "I'd like not to answer that question." or "I don't have a good response to that question." or "I'm the wrong person to ask that question - ask so-in-so to give you the answer."
You get the idea - avoid lies altogether in your living and you will not be in a position to ever wonder who you did or did not tell a lie to and where to draw the line and where not to. In essence, you will be able to live with peace of mind - and in peace - with a clear conscious!
Move out of that "comfort zone" and be a real person. (to Alan)
Thanks, Susan Private Reply to Susan Perkins | | Dec 05, 2005 12:09 pm | | re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? (Dina & Alan) | # |
Sandra Harmon | | I'm with you, Susan
Nobody causes anyone else to lie. The idea is absurd.
Sandy Harmon Private Reply to Sandra Harmon | | Dec 05, 2005 12:19 pm | | re: re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? (Dina & Alan) | # |
Sandra Harmon | |
In retrospect, I don't mean to be harsh using the word, "absurd". But I sure would like to read examples of how another person would cause us to lie. And I don't mean as an answer to the question, "Do these pants make me look fat?"
Sandy HarmonPrivate Reply to Sandra Harmon | | Dec 05, 2005 4:16 pm | | re: re: re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? (Dina & Alan) | # |
Alan Zibluk | | The topic right now is not about “truth.” It is about
what “some” just want to hear.
Some people in my life can handle the truth (the people I
am closest to) and others just want to hear that they are
right and everyone else is wrong (these are the people I
avoid.)
Well, good luck in life.
Alan
Private Reply to Alan Zibluk | | Dec 05, 2005 4:34 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? (Dina & Alan) | # |
Sandra Harmon | | Alan,
I still think it is about lying. Why do men lie to women was the original question. But the sub-topic seems to be...people who believe that others "cause" them to lie.
In my opinion, nobody "causes" anyone to lie. Each one of us makes that choice every moment that we interract with others. If you live a life of integrity, you must also live with the results of your "truthfulness", whether positive or negative.
Of course, it is a good idea to learn how to communicate with others in a way that brings the best results and I dont think that lying is the best way to communicate, especially in a long term relationship where trust is one of the most important factors.
I dont know about the rest of you, but when I catch a person in a lie, and I do so often, I invariably think less of them.
Sandy Harmon Private Reply to Sandra Harmon | | Dec 05, 2005 4:41 pm | | re: Why Do Men Lie to Women?/Hey Carla | # |
Sandra Harmon | | Hey Carla,
I meant to respond to your post on this subject because it was so smart and well written and right on the money, but I just forgot. So let me now say, Bravo!
Sandy Harmon
Private Reply to Sandra Harmon | | Dec 06, 2005 12:06 am | | re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? | # |
Dina Giolitto, WordFeeder.com | | Hello my darlings,
It's certainly NOT absurd to have to just tell a fib to someone because they're being completely unreasonable. If you have been lucky enough in your lives to encounter ONLY straightforward, sensible people who you know that you can always be truthful with no matter what the circumstance, then God bless you! But I find THAT hard to believe in itself.
Like I said, men lie to women when women behave unreasonably. And I think you're being unreasonable by not accepting the TRUTH of my answer.
Love,
Dina Private Reply to Dina Giolitto, WordFeeder.com | | Dec 06, 2005 12:26 am | | re: re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? | # |
Sandra Harmon | |
No, I do not lie to people because they are unreasonable. I say what I believe and then I usually move on to people who are reasonable. Unreasonable people are toxic. Better to leave than appease.
As for men, I do not believe your perception is the TRUTH, even though you proclaim it to be in CAPS, although many men do choose to lie rather than get into hassles.
It has been my experence, however, that in relationships, even when I have been a paragon of reason, and I am quite rational and a good communicator, men have lied to me and also lie to my clients and friends for all the reasons and then some that have been posted here on this topic.
Sandy HarmonPrivate Reply to Sandra Harmon | | Dec 06, 2005 12:40 am | | re: re: re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? | # |
Dina Giolitto, WordFeeder.com | |
Well, that is unfortunate Sandy that you have been lied to and I'm sorry to hear it because from what I've seen, you are a good person and deserve better. I was cheated on once by my first love, which is not quite the same thing as lying but in a similar category. It all boils down to this: we all try to be honest AND reasonable but then get crapped on and it certainly hurts like hell.
Sandy I do like your "Be honest and move on" solution, and try to put that into practice myself as often as I can.
And, I'm sorry if my last post was too "intense."
I'm a little stressed out this week and probably should not have come over to the Love Network with bad vibes. There is never a black or a white answer to any question like this and we all try to be as honest as we can be.
I'm going to go take a chill pill in the form of a Tylenol now. ;)
XO
DinaPrivate Reply to Dina Giolitto, WordFeeder.com | | Dec 06, 2005 12:50 am | | re: re: re: re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? | # |
Sandra Harmon | | Dearest Dina,
I have missed you on this network and I send you lots of love and I am sure everyone who reads this feels the same way. And that is no LIE!
xxxx
Sandy Harmon
Private Reply to Sandra Harmon | | Dec 06, 2005 4:58 am | | re: re: re: re: re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? | # |
Carla Sanders | | Thanks Sandy, for the acknowledgment.
I have followed this topic with interest. I have been lied to, and some of the men I know probably didn't count it as a real lie. I have lied too, often cause I was in denial about the truth, or I didn't believe I knew the answer to the question so I made one up. Emotional fear can inspire lies of self preservation. Maybe that is why some men lie as well.
I will take up Dina's flag for a moment. I do believe that the kinds of manipulative, controlling, SEVERELY unreasonable, gullible, in denial type, and suspicious people create an atmosphere where others will lie to them.
This quality is about them and what they are bringing into their lives, not about making excuses for liars.
People who choose to stay in relationships where they feel they are having to lie all the time just to keep peace, or have some feeling of autonomy , have to take responsibility for that choice, and not blame the unreasonable person.
There is no love there.
Carla Private Reply to Carla Sanders | | Dec 06, 2005 2:15 pm | | re: Why Do Men Lie to Women?/Thank You Carla! | # |
Dina Giolitto, WordFeeder.com | | Carla,
You have so very eloquently put into clear terms what I have been trying to communicate in my last few posts. THANK YOU.
Although, admittedly my point was perhaps not in line with the original intention of the question posed, the unspoken of which may have been, "Why do men lie to women who treat them well and behave reasonably toward them."
Anyway Carla, I appreciate you taking the time to examine a slightly different viewpoint. Perhaps you are one of the more truth-embracing among us.
:)
I like your style, girl.
DinaPrivate Reply to Dina Giolitto, WordFeeder.com | | Dec 07, 2005 7:11 pm | | re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women?/Thank You Carla! | # |
Leslie Freude Holtzclaw | | OK this article from Askmen.com set me on fire! The article states that to keep a relationship healthy you must lie.
I guess I need to look at it this way. You can't believe everything you read. But, I wouldn't want my teenage or college son reading a magazine that promote lying. What are your thoughts?
"So should you always be honest with her? The answer is no -- not if you know what's good for you. The truth is, you can't afford to always tell the truth if you want to keep your relationship healthy. Sometimes you just have to hedge your bets a little with a little creative sugarcoating."
http://www.askmen.com/dating/curtsmith_100/129_dating_advice.html
Blessings, LesliePrivate Reply to Leslie Freude Holtzclaw | | Dec 08, 2005 12:49 am | | re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? | # |
Susan Perkins | | No doubt this article was written by a man Leslie?? Right.
Carla's post enumerating some probable reasons why men lie is so on target - and I suppose that is this thread's main topic of conversation.
As Sandra stated, there are a few different subtopics entwined - the one which I highlighted is, Why the need to lie in a relationship?
I go back through my years and honestly examine all kinds of relationships with people, i.e. family, romantic, work and friendship - and I don't see one instance where a lie (that was found out ofcourse) helped the relationship! In fact, just the opposite. Remember, almost ALL lies come to the fore at some point and time - even if it is years later.
I maintain that there are ways of avoiding hurting people by being "too" truthful and also by lieing to save our skins.
If I catch someone in a lie - well, I'm forgiving if they want to preserve our relationship - will give them the benefit of the doubt - even more - depending on the circumstances - but my trust is shaken and the relationship has been damaged - it is impossible to repair completely.
Time for an appointment, Susan Private Reply to Susan Perkins | | Dec 10, 2005 6:25 am | | re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women? | # |
Prakash | | Hi All,
I joined this network and read some of the comments with Interst.
I am not sure whether this topic could be rechanged to why people lie to others rather than why men lie to women.. Coz I feel, lies are common across genders and it is more when we cross the threshold of trust and mutual respect and this happens to both genders..
This is my opinion..
Also a Hi to other members of this group and look forward for more views and ideas
Cheers Private Reply to Prakash | | Dec 14, 2005 3:00 am | | re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women?/Thank You Carla! | # |
Carla Sanders | | Hi everyone,
Thanks Dina for the appreciation. I could hear what I thought you were trying to say!
I feel like I have a clear view into that kind of person I described. My sister in law is that kind. I don't think she made much of a liar out of my brother, he has very high moral standards, but after 20 years he is telling the whole truth and leaving her!
I am also hypersensitive right now cause I have two men driving me crazy! I don't think they are lying to me, they just aren't showing up, and I am taking Sandra's advice seriously. I am sitting on my hands everytime I think of emailing either of them. I am Diva, I can wait!
Grrrr.
That is another thread, and since I am headed to Tennessee in a few days for a couple of weeks of computer blackout over holidays, I'll see what develops, and maybe start this conversation after I return.
Happy Holidays to you all!
Carla
Private Reply to Carla Sanders | | Dec 14, 2005 6:17 pm | | re: re: re: Why Do Men Lie to Women?/Thank You Carla! | # |
John Joseph | | Carla Baby!
Have a great Christmas away from the technology in the very beautiful State of Tennessee. I have been looking at Touching Art. Perhaps you will be inspired by the Smokies with a coating of snow, and make some additions.
Now, I have to go and make sure I'm not driving my lady NUTS as you say. Difficult to figure what to do for her at Christmas and her birthday on the 30th, when I'm between jobs AGAIN.
I'll probably bake something to start with.
Merry Christmas!
John
PS - John needs .... my list could be similar regardless of gender, beliefs, and age. LOL, At least as long! Private Reply to John Joseph | | Jan 27, 2006 7:47 pm | | causing others to lie to you | # | 
Danielle Bailey | | Hello all -
I've read this thread through and must disagree with the general idea that people cause other people to lie to them. For someone to say 'I lied to my wife because she's unreasonable' leads me to wonder why they would have married her in the first place. Why exactly is she unreasonable?
For my example here I'll give the example of when my husband would smoke pot with his friends (almost verging into another thread here) then lie to me and say he'd quit, he hadn't smoked it, I was crazy, etc. Ok, my sense of smell is not off, but still he'd lie. Constantly. It was such a point of contention that I left him over it.
Was I being unreasonable for asking him to quit smoking pot? Or for holding him accountable when he did it?
When I'd ask him why he constantly lied about it, he'd say he wanted to avoid confrontation, avoid arguement, that I forced him to lie about it because he was afraid I'd leave him over it, etc.
In my personal opinion - and hey, I'm biased - he should never have been committing the behavior that caused the lies in the first place. Then he wouldn't have had to avoid confrontation about it. But, that may just be my own personal sense of common sense. A 'duh' moment if you will.
Did I force him to lie to me? Um, no. He did, by doing something he knew I disliked.
Now, say you're lying to someone about spending time with friends. One person said his friends worried about their wives finding out they'd been with friends so they lied about working late. Gee, a man lying to spend time with people. Makes ya wonder why the woman would be concerned. That's sarcasm people. What are you doing with these friends that causes your wife to fear your time with them? This isn't really directed towards anyone, I'm just stating my point of view as a woman. Most sane women (and please, let's hope you knew her well enough before you married her to know whether or not she was sane) don't give two hoots if you spend time with friends - unless you have a past history of doing something with these friends that damages your relationship with your wife.
For example - do you spend more time with friends than with your wife? Do you go out drinking with them then try to drive home? Do you go out with them and hit on other women? Do you go out with them to play cards and come home smelling like perfume, whiskey, and smoke?
Women tend to idolize their men. We want them to be our knight in shining armor etc. So when they damage our trust it hurts far more than men give us credit for. And once you start down that road of damaging trust, lying to cover it, damaging it again, you're going to wake up one day wondering why your wife (mother, girlfriend, whatever) doesn't idolize you anymore. Then you'll start lying to cover up the fact that you want out of the relationship and into one with someone who doesn't know you well enough not to idolize you.
Private Reply to Danielle Bailey | | Jan 27, 2006 11:57 pm | | re: causing others to lie to you | # |
John Joseph | | Great post! It crosses into a thread I just responded to this morning called HIS Friends/HER Friends. Many times it does come down to hanging out with the idiots you call friends that seem to just get your sorry ass in trouble with because YOU KNOW she isn't gonna like it. When Donna and I were newly wedds only a couple of months we went through that. We grew up rather quickly, about the people and activities. You want more details I'll tell, but it is probably similar to many newly wedd tales of partying and socializing to some extreme.
John Private Reply to John Joseph | | Mar 12, 2006 10:30 pm | | re: re: causing others to lie to you | # | 
savs | | Men lie.Period.Half da times they say things they do not mean and when they realise they have said more than warrantied they lie.
I mean Can u beat this a guy tells his girl I love you but I need to move on.What can be a bigger lie than this?If u really love sumone u wldnt wanna look elsewhere right?you would'nt lie about how deep n ture your feelings are and yet wanna move on 2 sum1else.
I would never lie If I am outta love I would be honest enough a woman enough to admit it.
There are no but's and no lie's in true love,its only excuses to cover up your short comings.
Private Reply to savs | | Mar 13, 2006 3:24 am | | re: re: re: causing others to lie to you | # |
Chris Janssen | | Ouch. Speaking as one of the accused here, I have to say that mass generalizations such as these can hurt. I can tell from your post that you have personally been hurt, but take it easy, not all men are dirt. We aren't perfect, and we aren't women, but we aren't all that bad either.
Take care,
Chris
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