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| | The Love, Marriage, Relationships Network is not currently active and cannot accept new posts | | New to network | Views: 553 | | Dec 06, 2005 7:24 pm | | New to network | # | 
Eula DeMasi | | Hello all!
My name is Eula and I'm a WAHM with a 2 1/2 year old son. I've been married for over 5 years. I joined up with this group because we've had our ups and downs but more downs than ups lately. I'm the only one that acknowledges our problems, my husband just goes along like everything is fine as long as I'm not upset about anything. Its very frustrated trying to have an honest and beneficial conversation with someone that refuses to, or just seems oblivious to everything around them.
There are so many issues at hand that go unaddressed that I've just given up. I barely even talk to him anymore. Maybe some of you can offer your insights or ideas. I know communication is key, but it takes two people for that. He seems to have blinders on...how do I get the blinders off so that I can simply talk to him?Private Reply to Eula DeMasi | | Dec 06, 2005 10:39 pm | | re: New to network | # | 
John Joseph | | Welcome Eula!
I try and keep up with the shorthand but please tell dumby here what a WAHM is.
Here goes my feeble attempt, at your question. I am a husband, and father. I don't necessarily have on blinders as perhaps my wife might also think. I do however communicate and when she brings up something that is important I'm listening. I'm listening most of the time. I think she is fascinating with her advanced education, and ideas about how to teach children. I also think that I surprise her at times when I already know about a problem or issue. I don't know why. She knows that I am very detail oriented from years of computer service and technical applications.
OH! Just got it...work at home mom! Duuuhh...
NE way, I can suggest that you make sure when you are trying to open a conversation that it isn't a meal time, a sports event on the TV, or at bedtime. Turn everything off, and see that the baby is asleep. Tell him to look you in the eye, and ask him questions about what you just said. I know it sounds juvenille, but it works in the classroom when your training supposedly ADULT sailors, and soldiers.
I seem to go on my merry way most days, because I think I have a little bit of faith that God is in control. If I have a relationship with him, then everything is OK or will be in the long run... God's plan! It is really wonderful when your spouse is onboard with you so to speak.
Your man should be listening intently to you. Number one - because you are supposed to be best friends, lovers, and soul mates. Number Two - He should be listening because he is a parent, a father. Whether it has to do with the little one or not, he should be listening and caring to maintain a loving household and environment. They just reflect they see and hear; what we are.
Like it or not, you can't just give up, as you said. You have to be the anchor if dad isn't. Life stinks that way sometimes. I wish some men would be more responsible, but who knows who they are reflecting.
Sorry, didn't mean to get on my soapbox again.
JJ Private Reply to John Joseph | | Dec 07, 2005 6:28 pm | | re: re: New to network | # |
Eula DeMasi | | Hi JJ,
Its nice to meet you. Thanks for your response, and I don't think you were on your soapbox at all. You're right, and its nice to know that there are men out there that do get it. When I try talking to my mom or friends all I hear is "Thats how men are." I KNOW that is untrue.
I'd like to start by saying that one thing I've never done in my life is give up on anything. This comes after beating my head against a brick wall for over 2 years. After our son was born, and our family dynamic began to change it became evident that my husband puts more energy into fabricating an image for others than into actually living the image. I discovered recently that he has portrayed me to his coworkers and friends as a relentless, demanding, bossy, and lazy housewife. They think I'm waiting every night when he gets home with a huge Honey-do list. Which brings me to an example of communication with him...
This weekend I told him that I was thinking of leaving. That I was tired of battling to get him to help or even acknowledge the needs of our family. He started talking about money. Why did he immediately conclude that I was leaving because of money??? Was it because thats what most of the divorce statistics say, so he just assumed? We never fight about money, there's nothing to fight about...I don't care about it. Pay the bills, take care of our basic needs and I'm happy. I've learned to manage the checkbook very well to keep our family going, so that is so not an issue.
Then he told me I put too much pressure on him to help out. So I asked him to list everything I ask him to do. The list was: give our son his bath and put him to bed; clean the kitchen floor, and put out the garbage; occasionally do the laundry on the weekend if I've fallen behind on it. When I pressed him to continue with his list he discovered that he'd been lying to himself and everyone else all this time. He also discovered that more of his time is spent watching tv than on anything else. My last question to him was "why?" He didn't want to continue the conversation and has tried to avoid being alone with me so that we can't continue. I read the ongoing post about why men lie after my original post. I would love to have him sit down and read that thread. Maybe it will help him discover why he's been lying so much to himself and others that he's convinced himself of his own lies.
Another major issue is that I can't depend on him. I'm attempting to build 2 businesses. I say 'attempting', because whenever I get things moving nicely I have to slow down or come to a screaching halt because something happens with my son while I'm out doing a party. I love doing home parties which is why I started with The Body Shop. But when a trend of mishaps develops I stop. I've come home to too many incedents that now I really don't feel comfortable leaving my son alone with my husband. Most recently I came home to find my son laying in the middle of the floor screaming because he was hungry. It as after 10 at night and my husband hadn't given him a meal all afternoon or evening other than a few snacks. Something is seriously wrong, if he can let that happen.
Anyway, I learned early on that I can only have a serious discussion with him if we are alone somewhere away from the tv. Shortly after the newness of dating wore off I noticed that whenever we were somewhere within range of a tv it drew his attention. And I would never start a conversation during a game... I might miss a big play! So our discussions do take place after James is in bed and we are in a room without tv. He doesn't hear what I say by choice. The only reason he heard me this time is because I started the conversation with "I'm moving out by summer."
Maybe we'll get snowed in this weekend and I can get him to talk some more. I don't want to leave if I don't have to, but I will do it for my son. He is very intuitive and he sees how his father is towards me and responds to it. I've tried explaining that to my husband but his position is that I'm the one poisoning my sons mind because he's with me all day.
So again I ask, how do you establish good communication with a brick wall??? I can't tell if he's being stubborn and obstinate, or dismissive, or maybe oblivious to avoid dealing. Is there something I'm not seeing?Private Reply to Eula DeMasi | | Dec 07, 2005 8:11 pm | | re: re: re: New to network | # | 
Marielena Alvarez | | You hit the nail on the head when you labeled him a TVaholic! He refuses to communicate unless forced. Force him to go to counseling to deal with his addiction and inability to communicate, they will force him to talk and get it out. Perhaps he is old fashioned and believes a woman belongs at home taking care of the children. He seems to not care what you need and only his own needs, VERY SELFISH!
If he won't go to counseling, dump the clump!
You can site alienation of affection and abandonment as a reason to divorce him. Start making plans to protect yourself during the divorce process. Document everything and separate your finances from his.
He was never there in the relationship. Sounds like a housemate not a spouse who cares about you or the children. Sounds too much like my exhusband, which explains why he is an EX! Unfortunately your son will suffer from not having dad around. He won't want to miss the game or his favorite shows to spend every other weekend taking care of his son. Show your son his mom cares and is always there for him. Teach him how to communicate his feelings with you and others. Sooner or later your son will figure out what dad is really like and respect you for leaving.
Good luck, you're going to need it.Private Reply to Marielena Alvarez | | Dec 07, 2005 11:36 pm | | re: re: re: New to network | # | 
Leslie Freude Holtzclaw | | Hi Eula,
Welcome:) Your statement concerns me. Like you mention something is seriously wrong! If you want to save your marriage I feel you and your husband need to RUN and go talk with someone. If he won't go, go for yourself and your child. You never know, he might get "sick and tired of being sick and tired" and start going. No guarantees. Whether you want to stay in the marriage or not it's a healthy step for you.
Eula wrote>>>>I've come home to too many incedents that now I really don't feel comfortable leaving my son alone with my husband. Most recently I came home to find my son laying in the middle of the floor screaming because he was hungry. It as after 10 at night and my husband hadn't given him a meal all afternoon or evening other than a few snacks. Something is seriously wrong, if he can let that happen.
I find your husband talking to his coworkers about you is very disrepectful. Demand that he stop and respect you.
Eula wrote>>>I discovered recently that he has portrayed me to his coworkers and friends as a relentless, demanding, bossy, and lazy housewife. They think I'm waiting every night when he gets home with a huge Honey-do list.
When did you notice these changes in him? Has he had any major life changes? He sounds depressed to me if he's neglecting his wife and child.
Here's something to think about. What was your husband's father like growing up? Does he have the same traits as his father? We aren't given a manual when we get married or have children, but we are raised with values and beliefs. How did your husband's father treat his wife? How did his father treat him growing up?
It sounds like he doesn't communication about the issues at hand until you threaten him to leave. It sounds like he lives his life in "crisis mode" and other times in his own world.
I'm sending you many blessings and prayers:)
Leslie
Private Reply to Leslie Freude Holtzclaw | | Dec 09, 2005 8:47 pm | | re: re: re: re: New to network | # |
Eula DeMasi | | Hi Leslie,
Thank you very much for your comments. I'll try to respond to your suggestions as best I can. My husband has talked about seeking counseling for several personal issues for years now. But thats all he ever does he talks but never takes action. Some of his problems spill over into his career as well. He has problems focusing, remembering, adapting.
And I also thought often of going to counseling together, but until he can be honest with himself and others its pointless. I'll be paying a counselor to watch him in one of his many performances. When I needed counseling a few years ago, he insisted on sitting in on my sessions and put on a grand show each time. He uses all the appropriate catch phrases.
I know there have been several major events that knocked both of us for a loop since we've been together. My husband doesn't adapt well to any changes or disruptions in routine. If he could go along doing the same things every day until he dies , he would. We lived together for a long time before we got married. He figured he'd adjusted to living with someone else so he'd be able to handle the next step. Its been overwhelming for him since. And the everchanging world of a toddler has just left him in a lurch. I guess he doesn't know what to do so he does nothing.
I can't even begin to explain his family. I'm still trying to figure them out. He has all the bad traits of both of his parents and very few of the good. His parents are high school sweethearts. They argue, they play, they tease eachother and you can see how much they love eachother and can't be without each other. When the time comes they dig in and work well together.
We talked a lot before deciding to get married and before we had our son. We talked about our goals and plans as a family. We worked out what we wanted and how we wanted to achieve it. Once we put our plans into effect, he wasn't able to follow through. As things progressed, he wasn't able to handle changes or things going wrong and just began to shut down as each challenge presented itself. But if you approached him about it, he talked a good game and made it appear that all was fine. At one point he had my mom calling me constantly to tell me that I needed to let up on him, I was being to hard. Newsflash: "Life is hard!" Thats when I really started to realize that he'd much rather pretend that he's a good father and husband, then actually work to be them. If I walk out the door today, everyone would run to his aid because I must be crazy to leave such a good husband and take his son away...and what would I do without him since he did so much for me.
Thanks for the welcome and all your blessings. Sometimes I feel bad at the way things are turning out, but I'm a strong person and I know I'll do fine with or without him. Its not like there will be a big adjustment for me when I leave. Plus once I leave, he'll have all the time in the world to get the help that he needs.Private Reply to Eula DeMasi | | Dec 09, 2005 9:03 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: New to network | # | 
Sandra Harmon | | Hi Eula,
I am not suggesting that you leave him, but if you do decide to have a "trial separation", which is less radical and leaves room for him to wake up and change, why not ask him to move out, so that you and your son stay where you are. The last thing you and your son need is to move out. Get him out and let him find his own way. Also this gives you some familiar space to live a life without him and see how it feels.
Dont forget to call me next week. Stay strong and who cares what others say. Only you live inside your body.
xxxxxxxx
Sandy Harmon Private Reply to Sandra Harmon | | Dec 11, 2005 8:21 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: New to network | # |
John Joseph | | It sounds to me like he REALLY needs to seek professional help. I'm far from anything but an observer, but he sounds a bit like a lady that worked for me. She was BI-POLAR, and couldn't stay focused on things for any length of time. I helped her daily when things became to much for her. As long as the routine was the same day in and day out, she was just fine.
We never want to break up homes and families, try to get HIM to seek some help. Recruit his friends, or even employer to speak to him about it.
I agree with Sandra too. Let him move out. Why uproot a child and all the familiar COMFORTS of home. It sound as if he isn't there anyway. I still believe an effort to be a family is top priority, and all attempts to fix stuff should be made before a separation.
JJ Private Reply to John Joseph | | Dec 12, 2005 8:56 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: New to network | # |
Leslie Freude Holtzclaw | | Hi Eula,
I'm keeping you in my prayers and hope we are helping in some way.
I agree with John, your husband could be bi-polar. There are also many adults with ADD and ADHD. You see so much in the news about children with ADD or ADHD and never hear much about adults with the same condition. By the way, I'm not a doctor or trying to diagnosis your husband. Just some input from what you stated.
That is why I originally asked if your husband has gone with a life changing experience or is under stress.
I agree with John and Sandra too. Don't move out. This will be added stress to you and your child. You shouldn't have to leave your home.
Blessings, LesliePrivate Reply to Leslie Freude Holtzclaw | | Dec 13, 2005 8:01 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: New to network | # |
Eula DeMasi | | Actually, I've lived with ADHD all my life and wasn't diagnosed until I was 22. It was never picked up because I was a girl and wasn't "a problem child". More boys are diagnosed than girls. Apparently, the coping strategies I'd developed because of my hyper-acoustic hearing helped me become focused and block out distractions. I became an overachiever and kept a full schedule of activities. I guess keeping a full day planner since the age of 13 helped keep me below the clinical radar LOL.
I have considered the posibility of my husband having ADD. I even tried to get him to have an assessment years ago. He's quick to find excuses for not doing something. He still cites money as his reason for not seeking counseling, even though I told him that its very likely that our insurance will pick up most of the cost. He won't even put in the effort of calling the insurance company to find out how much would be covered. I can only do so much for him.
A friend gave me the name of a marriage counselor she used. I might be able to convince him to go see him and maybe the counselor can then encourage him to get the help he needs. \
As for now, I'm packing for my vacation. I'm taking 3 weeks off and going to visit my parents and enjoy the holidays. I refuse to spend my time preparing three weeks of meals for him, so I'm sure he'll spend a lot of time in Burger King and Taco Bell while I'm gone. He doesn't know how to cook, at all...not even eggs. We'll see what changes take place after 3 weeks on his own. Although, he will be with us on the weekends so I'm sure my mom will take pity on him a pack him a few meals when he leaves. She's such a softy.
Thank you all for your comments and suggestions. Its especially nice to have some coming from a man. Tell your wife to give you an extra hug for me tonight.
Hugs to all!
EulaPrivate Reply to Eula DeMasi | | |
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