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| | The Love, Marriage, Relationships Network is not currently active and cannot accept new posts | | marriage and men | Views: 1434 | | May 05, 2006 6:31 pm | | marriage and men | # |
Shweta Gurjar | | Hi,
I was married, an year ago in a typical Indian arranged wedding. Three months after the wedding, my husband told me that he had married for the only reason that he needed help to pay his debts and was not interested in a wife. The moment I heard those words, I filed a divorce and a year later, this april, I was finally single, no more in the wedlock of this blood-sucking creep!!
Today, an year later, I enjoy my freedom and, with my past experiences and a broken marriage, I know that men in my life is not a necessity atall. I am quite happy living without them.
I however have is vaccum...a question that I havent found an answer to..Why did he do it?? Is marriage,a spiritual bond so shallow???
I have no clue what men want in a marriage today..definitely I'm going to be careful in the near and the far future
ShwetaPrivate Reply to Shweta Gurjar | | May 06, 2006 5:37 pm | | re: marriage and men | # | 
Sandra Harmon | | Dear Shweta,
Congratulations! Filing for a divorce the moment this creep told you the truth about his reason for marrying you was the exact right thing to do. Just think of how many women would have stayed in the marriage out of shame.
Unfortunately, there is no answer to your question. People get married for all the reasons under the sun....and always have. So being cautious is of course very important. I dont believe you should marry another person until you know him or her for at least a year.
Don't let this experience cause you to lose faith in marriage. Most men are not like your ex husband. Keep faith in yourself and your ability to handle whatever life throws you.
xxxxx
Sandy Harmon
P.S. I would like to recommend a book I wrote called, "Getting To I Do". I believe it answers all the questions you could ever ask about the year between meeting and marrying. You can order it on my website, http://www.sandraharmon.com. It ships through amazon.com. You can buy it new, or used.Private Reply to Sandra Harmon | | May 06, 2006 7:58 pm | | re: re: marriage and men | # | 
AJ Highlandhoney | | So sorry for your unfortuneate marraige.
You did the right thing I would have done no less. I was told if you have even a hesitation or doubt that you do not love that person do not walk down the isle. My parents old fashioned wanted me to marry another Scotsman, even had one in the wings for me who was a pig. He had been accused of getting 3 others pregnant then arranged a date two days prior to his wedding if it were not for his brother letting me and my parents know I may have gone on that date.
I met a wonderful man at college, I had my mind on career not relationships...so it came as a shock to me as well as my family when I fell hard and fast. Yet I was smart I stayed engaged for three years hoping to gain my family's blessing as he was Puerto Rican Italian and Catholic...
they as stubborn as me hung on not budging and I realized the only ppl it was hurting were me and Rick.
We planned and paid for our own wedding so we didn't behold to them. My mom wore black to the wedding out of spite, honest I have pics. Instead of staying in the area after the marraige the stress caused us to move away... it worked and soon after the grandkids came finally one day making cookies with mom she said I will never admit this but I was wrong about Rick. Now don't get me wrong, we have our dissagrements like everyone....but the love is there and deep. I do wish the kids would let us have more uninterupted talks, but when they fly the coop I will miss the constant interuptions I am sure.
I wish you the very best in the future, and if I can be a friend just go to my page and look in my want section.
AJPrivate Reply to AJ Highlandhoney | | May 07, 2006 6:21 am | | re: marriage and men | # | 
Niladri Sarkar | | Shweta,
Sorry about that aweful experience with ur ex-hubby.Not all men are like that and not every woman has a bad experience like urs.Its shear bad luck and a matter of chance.
What do men look for in a marriage ?? Well,each man to himself,i believe that a man looks for a companion,a strong support system,an essential part of himself that is seperate in some ways and the same in a lot many other ways.Ok,that is being a little too philosophical i guess,but like u women look for a shoulder to lean on,we men are equally in need of support though very few of us want to show it.
It is only in very very extreme circumstances do men act like ur ex-hubby,and such men are not difficult to judge or read.Spend some time with such people and u will see their intentions clearly.Men can rarely hide their emotions,problems or activity as cleverly as women.We dont even know how to `FAKE IT'. That says a lot about the simplicity of men .Its up to u to understand and read a man's mind which is as simple as reading the morning newspaper.
Neil. Private Reply to Niladri Sarkar | | May 07, 2006 7:22 am | | re: re: marriage and men | # |
Sandra Harmon | | Dear Neal,
Nobody can read anothers mind, whether male or female. It is a nice fantasy to believe that men are easy to read, but when a man is lying, he is not easy to read. People who want answers, must ask the proper questions, and not try to be a mind reader. That is cute advice, but not accurate. Both men and women know how to lie. Nothing is that simple.
Sandy Harmon Private Reply to Sandra Harmon | | May 07, 2006 8:34 am | | re: re: re: marriage and men | # | 
Samir Sayed | | Hi Shweta..
Whatver you did after knowing the reason of marriage is correct.
But All fingers arent the same.
There are differnt kind of ppl in this word.
It depends on each person.
If someone ask me my view. I will marriage is a relation of 2 hearts & soul, where you promise to keep each other happy, understand each other.
I would do anything n everything to put a smile on my life partner's face.
All this i can say to your comment.
Sorry if my words hurtd you...
Cheers!!!
SamirPrivate Reply to Samir Sayed | | May 08, 2006 5:26 pm | | re: re: re: marriage and men | # |
Shweta Gurjar | | Thank you AJ, for sharing the story with me. Im sure it must hurt when your family does not want you to share your happiness. It is boune in the mind of the parents that a girl child must do as they have expected of her for keeping the dignity of the family (a common belief in India). I think this is the aspect that we cant cater to, in this era of equal rights to and thus the stress from parents.
My parents forced me alot to keep the relationship going and I still remember the bickering that was! But I know I did the right thing.And painful as it seemed, I am out of it, atleast legally.
It's sad that there are many girls like us out there, suffering everyday. Private Reply to Shweta Gurjar | | May 08, 2006 5:37 pm | | re: re: marriage and men | # |
Shweta Gurjar | | Hello Sandra,
Thankyou for your words. Yes, I am sure there will be sunshine again.There is a whole lot of truth in what you said.
I shall definitely get the book that you recommended.
Thankyou
ShwetaPrivate Reply to Shweta Gurjar | | May 09, 2006 2:11 am | | re: marriage and men | # | 
Madhukar Oza | |
HI Dear Sweta
Sorry to have learnt about your marriage story All women and men are not alike Even a mother has some selfishness for the child though she is the least selfish character. Every one has selfishness more or less. I have very very very bitter experiences with my wife So much so that I have got big aversion for women community. However God has created this dualistic world in such a way that there is always a Ravan against Ram and good agains bad in equal proportion to balance the duality. According to spiritual science this happened with you as per your Karma Fal Fruit of Karma of past or past incarnation. ANy way, Please look at lives of other women who have loving men with them and have positive thinking on this matter to go ahead in life Though I am still afraid of women due to my experience with my wife. Sorry to have advised you But if your mind becomes free and if you can enjoy your life with a man as destined by the LORD, I will be happy and thank ful to God for His inspiration of writing here. My e mail is drmahesh50@rediffmail.com Good luck to every one here including you Thank You for reading me Dr Oza Private Reply to Madhukar Oza | | May 09, 2006 3:00 pm | | re: re: marriage and men | # |
Sandra Harmon | | Dr. Oza,
Sounds like you should take your own advice.
Sandy HarmonPrivate Reply to Sandra Harmon | | May 09, 2006 6:31 pm | | re: re: re: marriage and men | # |
Shweta Gurjar | | Dear Sandra,
I have been recieving your articles on my mail. I must say that they are so really awesome. Such simple logics but they are so nicely put across. It's like I am talking to my best pal.
Thank you for sending them to me.
Regards,
Shweta Private Reply to Shweta Gurjar | | Jul 27, 2006 7:25 pm | | re: marriage and men | # | 
Kshitij Wagh - Keep it Simple Stupid :) | | Hi shweta,
Its really sad that such a thing happened in your life.
Since that happened so early in your marraige, it has put so many questions around you regarding the same.
What I can see clearly, in your case specially, is that the reason for such thing is Arranged marriage.
when you do not know a person enough, you are sure to fall in such a trap...because to love a person needs knowingness and compatibility and maturity.
Love needs to mature enough before it is ready to take the shape of a marriage...and vice versa also.
Please read the above line a couple of times more before you move ahead.
According to me, Marriage is a licence for two people who love each other to stay together and share a life.
In your case, you both did not know each other enough to develop that bond...and because the decision to divorse made that relationship even smaller so much so that it did not get time to mature into love. This was bound to happen because it was an arranged marriage.
I will give you a simple e.g. when a baby is born he does not know what is the reason for his existence(every one is a stranger to him and vice versa)...he spends his life time searching answer for the same question. In a way he is bonded or married to the universe,and then as he matures his belongingness,awareness and understanding to this world increases.
Similarly when a relationship(like marriage) is born between two stranger(as in arranged marriage), both are not aware why they are there...both marry because they had to marry because of family pressure,age pressure etc, not because they are in love.
So try to seek the answer within you...
1.Why did you marry in the first place?
2.Were you in love with that guy first time you met? and does this apply to him as well?
3. Was he fully un-justified when he told you the reason for marrying?
4. Was he a nice guy?
5.Did you give each other enough time to mature and hence transform into love?
6.Was your decision to marry hasty?
I am sure many of confusions will clear up when u try to answer these questions. Private Reply to Kshitij Wagh - Keep it Simple Stupid :) | | Jul 30, 2006 12:58 pm | | re: re: marriage and men | # | 
CaptainSindbad | | I just attended a writers meetup in dubai and the topics kept shifting back to MARRIAGE AND ABUSE AT HOME.
I have seen so many marriages take place for the wrong reasons.causing so much misery .that i feel marriage has outlived its role in society and we need to rewrite the RULES AND LAWS OF MARRIAGE.,specially in India...
and for all of those who have been hurt..i can only say Love is the best healer..the day you find love you will be reborn...
Private Reply to CaptainSindbad | | Aug 05, 2006 7:49 am | | re: re: re: marriage and men | # | 
NS Chandrakanth | | Hi. Sandra,
Probably u could tell Shweta abt what I wrote to u about my 8 year old marriage.
Hello Shweta,
Don't worry, I guess wether a man or a women, if u r destined to go through a certin exp. u gotto go through it. But believe me u, all this juz makes one stronger in faith and brings closer to god. Wat say all of u.
TC N pray hard
ChandrakanthPrivate Reply to NS Chandrakanth | | Sep 05, 2006 4:40 pm | | re: marriage and men | # |
Jit | | All men are not same.... Depends on the mentality of men and women.... Private Reply to Jit | | Sep 14, 2006 11:44 am | | re: re: re: marriage and men | # |
Riken | | Dr Oza, could you pls say somthin bout your bad experience wit your wife.. it seems you are v open minded, and wud never refuse to say a bit on your bad experience.. i do agree with Sandy.. Private Reply to Riken | | |
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