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| | The Love, Marriage, Relationships Network is not currently active and cannot accept new posts | | Strange Silence | Views: 752 | | Jul 07, 2006 6:26 am | | Strange Silence | # | 
Shubhangi | | I'm getting married to my sweetie soon, we were going around for 3 years, n broke off for 2 years, n reunited early last year for good. Everyone is happy in the family.
(We broke off, as we thought, our relationship will never work out, different interests, ideas, lifestyle, n we always stayed in different cities)
But the problem is, there's a strange slience in him, he says he's still not out of the trauma he had gone through for 2 years, when I was not there with him.
He suddenly goes blank n have nothing to say or feel at times. He only tells me, I need more time to accept the reality, that you are with me now, forever.
My question is, I'm there, nothing can change that, why does he go blank? Go silent?
We are together for almost 1n1/2 yr now, getting married soon, how much time he needs to normalize?
Private Reply to Shubhangi | | Jul 08, 2006 4:01 pm | | re: Strange Silence | # | 
Sandra Harmon | |
This strange silence you speak of is....strange. Everyone is entitled to their own times of silence; it is a necessity in a relationship, i.e. to give each person their own space, but his answer, he is getting over the trauma of separation from you makes little or no sense.
I know everyone in your family is happy that you and your sweetie got back together and from his picture he looks like a lovely guy, but please make sure that the things that pulled you apart, the differences between you, are not still there. He may be having second thoughts about getting married and does not know how to deal with it, especially if the the two families are so happy and you are so happy. He might not want to disappoint you.
I do not know if this is true. It may be something entirely different, but it seems to me that something might be troubling him and he might not be telling you all that he is feeling about the relationship.
So, to answer your question, your sweetie shouldn't need any time at all to "normalize". Trust your instinct and make sure all is well before you marry so you don't regret it later. Good luck.
xxxxx
Sandra Harmon
Your Love Coach
www.sandraharmon.comPrivate Reply to Sandra Harmon | | Jul 09, 2006 12:04 am | | re: re: Strange Silence | # | 
AJ Highlandhoney | | I was engaged to my husband for 3 years hoping for my parents blessing that never came. I did not understand why until much later. We did get back together but in the years that followed we had many trials and when it got deep he would always bring up how I abandoned him in these times...I thought it was understood at the time why I broke it off, to think and make sure HE was the one I wanted to marry. HE was. But the trauma of the mini separation for all involved for us, for family, and for the sake that we were young was too much for him. I still love him dearly but at times he brings up usually in anger the time I left him....it hurts every time he does it.
My advise as someone who has lived it, if you have any doubts any no matter how small, do not marry. Even if it is on your wedding day. Just celebrate life, and then if it works out at a later time go elope. I had the big shebang but my mother wore black so the little separation did little except cause a rift that seems unrepairable in my marriage. Men will always think they are right and have trouble saying they are sorry. Good luck to you...and be true to yourself.
Private Reply to AJ Highlandhoney | | Jul 09, 2006 3:17 am | | re: re: re: Strange Silence | # | 
Jody Janssen | | I'm of the opinion that we all have a right to our private time & occasionally that means quiet time. Each of us is different & we have different needs.
Chris & I have been married for 10 years now, together for 12 & friends for more than 1/2 my life. There's very little that we don't know or can't figure out from a single look from one another, but there are still those times when reality or some hurt from the past surfaces resulting in some quiet moments. We don't have to like them, they are just a reality.
I have no idea if that is what is happening, or if like Sandra said, he may be having second thoughts. I guess the key is - you need to decide BEFORE you get married if you can live with these quiet times and patiently wait for him to work through them, or if it's too hard on you. Do what's right for you in the long run, but make sure you know that you know that you know beyond a shadow of a doubt before you make that trek down the aisle.
If you make that walk knowing it's okay, waiting through those silent times will be much easier than if you just weren't sure and said "I do" anyway.
As to AJ's comment: "Men will always think they are right and have trouble saying they are sorry." I think we all think we are right, regardless of our gender, otherwise we would not do or say the things we are doing/saying; and I have known a fair amount of women who find it near impossible to say they are sorry as well. Perhaps I'm just the luckiest women alive to have a husband who says I'm sorry and admits that he is not the only one who can be "right" about things, but I do think it's unfair to make such a blanket statement about all men.
Best of luck to you!
jo Private Reply to Jody Janssen | | Jul 09, 2006 1:07 pm | | re: Strange Silence | # | 
Sunil Mantri | | Hi Subhangi,
Its true that he goes silence. And you are worried about it.,, what i feel is he just recollects the sad moments which he spend alone without you.,, so he must be getting scared thinking of that moment.. he must be thinking what will happen if .. u both are not able to adjust and things go wrong... once u and ur swittie start living together surely things would get normal..
cheers
sunil Private Reply to Sunil Mantri | | Jul 09, 2006 5:45 pm | | re: re: Strange Silence | # |
Sandra Harmon | |
I don't believe that for a second. Sounds like a lot of bull to me. And believe me, nobody can look into another persons head to figure out what he or she is thinking. Sunil, that is the worst advice I have heard in a long time.
Sandy Harmon Private Reply to Sandra Harmon | | Jul 10, 2006 12:30 pm | | re: re: re: Strange Silence | # |
Shubhangi | | Hi All,
Thanks for all the inputs. I have been thinking a lot, to sit across the table n talk to him, I fear to hurt him further, if I'm taking things in a wrong way.
Yesterday I realized that, as there are 2 sides of a coin, with different pictures, having different meaning, still the "One", same are the relationships, 2 different people bonded together with an unseen thread, different from each other, but still "one". Just need to accept the difference.
In my case, in a situation, we both might be right, but our thought process would be completely different to analyze any situation, n we react in the most unexpected manner, as per our own point of view.
For me, it's not a very big deal, that we were not together for 2 years, but, I'm not sure, though I have an idea, how bad that time must be for him. I respect that, n also Love him as he waited for me.
"Just to realize the value & importance of the coin" Private Reply to Shubhangi | | Jul 10, 2006 5:19 pm | | re: re: re: re: Strange Silence | # |
Sandra Harmon | | I am happy you have resolved this issue. I wish you much happiness and luck and lots of love and good communication in the future with your sweetie.
Sandy Harmon Private Reply to Sandra Harmon | | Jul 11, 2006 7:47 pm | | re: re: re: Strange Silence | # |
Sunil Mantri | | Hi sandra,
YOu may feel my advise as worst, fine i accept it. But, it doesnt even mean that whatever u advise is always correct right??
every one is a different human being so their views may be also different. So, i dont think anyone should be overconfident of their adivse since its just and advise..
what i still feel is" SILENCE..DOESNT MEAN I'M GONE.
qUIET..DOESNT MEAN I'M DEAD.
DEEP IN MY HEART ANYWHERE,ANYTIME
ANY MOMENT U ARE,ALWAYS REMEMBERED..
CHEERS
SUNIL Private Reply to Sunil Mantri | | Jul 12, 2006 1:59 am | | re: re: re: re: Strange Silence | # |
Sandra Harmon | | Well, Sunil,
This is the last time I will respond to you. After this, if you continue in this challenging vein, I will simply erase your post, which is my choice, since I run this forum.
I am quite confident of my advice, not overconfident, for a variety of reasons. One is that I am many years older than you, and not only am I very experienced in life and love, I have been in the business of helping people solve their love, sex, dating and relationship problems for over twenty years, and I am very successful. I have also written two books on the subject, which are best sellers in America, "Getting To I Do" and "Staying Married And Loving It, which have helped many thousands of people.I have also had my own television show, newspaper column and have been featured on all media for many years.
I dont know how long you have been in the business of giving love advice, but from what I read, you began the day you joined this forum, and from my point of view, what you have posted is generally very foolish and unrealistic, and not always understandable, either because of your poor English or the fact that you have little experience and no education in the field at all.
However, if you are not comfortable with the advice I give, and feel I am "over confident", please feel free to leave Love, Marriage, Relationships, and begin your own forum. I would only wish you well.
Sandra Harmon
Private Reply to Sandra Harmon | | Jul 12, 2006 8:00 pm | | re: re: re: re: re: Strange Silence | # |
Sunil Mantri | | Hi Sandra,
Thanks for the information and your valuable advise.
Sunil Private Reply to Sunil Mantri | | |
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